Being Pro-active

Debby Gullery
August 2011

Dear Debby,

My spouse and I are doing pretty well, but our discussions sometimes get a little out of control. We're both intense people and honesty and communication are important to us. We also want to be pro-active in co-creating a strong and healthy marriage. Where should we start?

Sincerely,

Pro-Active but Hurting Each Other

Dear Pro-Active,

I think I understand what may be happening. Sometimes in our attempt to be honest, we find our words are becoming hurtful and we begin using them as weapons rather than for sharing and healing. Keep in mind, it is not always necessary, nor is it always wise, to say everything we are thinking. We need to be wise in how we choose and use our words.

Remember the old adage, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me?" Everyone knows how untrue this statement is. We have all been hurt by the words of another, and we can all recall a time when we hurt someone with our words.

Words have a lot of power. They can change the whole atmosphere in a room, break someone's heart or give someone courage. Some words have emotional impact: Think of words like home, never, family, or hope. These words conjure up emotions, all by themselves. And sometimes it's the way we say the words that matters. Remember when we were young and our parents used to force us to apologize to someone when we didn't want to? Remember how easy it was to say the word "sorry" without being sincere? It's the way we say the words that conveys our spirit and feelings.

One way to become more mindful of the power of our words is to make a goal to refrain from saying critical things. Of course, there is always a learning curve -- it takes practice to change a habit. At first we notice our critical comment just after we say it, then just as we're saying it, and eventually just before we say it. That's the victory moment!

Growth usually requires three things: a decision, lots of practice and a commitment to persevere.

When making a goal, it's good to have a specific time period. For example, "This week, from Sunday to Sunday, I will try not to say anything judgmental or critical to my spouse." Then jot down the situations that come up and how you do -- you may be surprised to discover how often negative things want to come out of your mouth! I know I was when I tried it! See if you make any progress on the learning curve in the allotted time. Notice if it made any difference to the feeling in your home or between you and your partner.

Then take a break and try it again.

Another practical way of becoming more mindful is to "think before you speak." I find that I can save myself a lot of grief if I think about the following questions:

T -- Is it true?

H -- Is it helpful?

I -- Is it inspiring?

N -- Is it necessary?

K -- Can I say it in a kind way?

Words have impact -- they can be used to create good feelings or bad feelings between spouses. Luckily we can consciously build up good feelings by being careful with our words. Contrary to public opinion, people don't just fall out of love -- they simply stop feeling safe, and the bad stuff erodes the good stuff.

Author and motivational speaker Stephen Covey says, "Between stimulus and response is our greatest power -- the freedom to choose."

So, choose and use words carefully and remember to use the pause button!

God bless,

Debby