The Words of the Henkin Family

Rebuttal of Dr. Andrew Wilson's Proposal Delegating Parental, Matchmaking Responsibility To A Church-Appointed Matchmaker

Stephen Henkin
August, 2002

I was both surprised, and dismayed, to see Dr. Andrew Wilson's proposal that Blessed parents delegate their newly acquired matching responsibility, for their own children, to a church-appointed matchmaker.

At first, I thought this was some kind of satire, but then it dawned on me that he must be serious, hence this rebuttal. First I will respond to Dr. Wilson's arguments, followed by a summary of my own opinions.

(Original text by Dr. Wilson in blue.)

I believe I am not alone in the opinion that the Church, specifically the Blessed Family Dept., should provide a matchmaking service.

* You may not be alone, Dr. Wilson, unless you count True Father's opinion on the subject, which is that Blessed parents should match their own children.

While we cannot go back to the days when Father matched the candidates, I believe the Church needs to appoint someone as a matchmaker to provide suggested matches, to which the parents would still have the final say.

* You are correct, Dr. Wilson, we cannot go back to those days. However, due to progress in the unfolding Providence and all unimaginable indemnity that has been paid, you have been given the incredible blessing of being able to match your own children. In this way, you can recreate yourself to become like True Father (remember, you are all destined to become the "true sons of God.") However, if you want the easy way out, then a matchmaker can be procured, and the eternal decision as to who marries your child can be taken care of by a stranger.

Here are some reasons:

1. Many parents don't have a clue of how to match their children. There is no tradition in American culture of parents matching children, so we first generation parents don't even have models from the fallen world to fall back on.

* Do you really feel a stranger is better qualified to match your children than you  are? If, for example, the appointed matchmaker matches your child to someone who leaves the Unification Church the day after the Blessing, who are you going to blame: the matchmaker? The Unification Church leader who appointed him?  Clue: You will blame yourself, since it was your responsibility in the first place--and you gave it away. And how much will your child--and your spouse--accuse you?

2. Some parents will match their children based on venal motives, like seeking to connect their families with leader families by matching their children to the children of leaders. Everyone wants the best for their children. But such an approach will inevitably produce some bad matches.

* Is this a terrible sin, Dr. Wilson, being matched to a leader's child? After all, they have to get matched, too. And what makes you think that a Unification Church-appointed matchmaker won't be more interested in such "leader" matchings than your average member. If anything, such a matchmaker will be doing exactly that, matching leaders children together. (Imagine the kind of problems, political and otherwise, that can flow out of that situation!)  Additionally, True Father's standard over the years is to frequently match leaders' children together.

3. The American tradition is for children to find their own match, and then propose it to parents. Many parents will interpret Father's direction to match their children as permitting the children to find their own choice, as long as the parents approve the choice. This is already happening among some BC's and it is rationalized by their parents who are happy not to have the burden of looking themselves. But it leads to the sort of self-seeking "dating" type behavior that is inimical to BC's living freely as brothers and sisters.

Our church culture requires that we be brothers and sisters and banish all thoughts of exclusive relationships. So BC's, seeking a marriage partner, are put in the position where they act with a bad conscience.

* Any parent, or child, for that matter, who is worth his or her salt, will not let the children run the matching process. This, therefore, is an individual problem, requiring individual education, not the repudiation of True Father's matching direction, as you suggest.

4. In traditional Korean society (and Jewish culture as well), the matchmaker was an important position. So I believe that in Korea, our members will utilize matchmakers. But since America has no such tradition, the Church should provide it.

* Don't you have faith that True Father instructed American Blessed parents to match their own children for a reason? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we live in America, and not Korea. After all, the Korean and American movement has done things differently for years, such as MFT and the Formula Course. Why all of a sudden is everybody supposed to do everything the same way? And why are you comparing your own individual situation with what they might do in Korea anyway?

5. The matchmaker can more readily see God's viewpoint on what will make a good match than a parent, because (s)he is in an objective position to see the whole field of candidates, and is not swayed by personal considerations. This is one of the reasons we trusted Father. I believe that an objective matchmaker is in a position to receive Heaven? guidance, since Heaven wants to see our BC's happy in their marriages. Also, people have varied spiritual gifts. The person chosen as matchmaker can be someone who is naturally gifted in this area.

* So the matchmaker can take God's point of view better than the parent. Really? Well, Dr. Wilson, please note that in the Four-Position Foundation, the parent is in the position of God, repeat, God, to their children -- not some matchmaker! (Of course, if you wanted to check your own decision, you could also check it out with Ms. Cleo. But remember, Ms. Cleo, like the eponymous matchmaker, is not in the position of God, either. Only you, as weighty a responsibility as it seems!

6. Parents' field of vision is limited to their friends and associates, thus it will be very difficult for parents to match their children to the children of their enemies, which is Father's direction. Only the Church has the ability to gather enough candidates to suggest such enemy matches.

* Quantity of selections does not necessarily assure quality of matchings. Remember, there have been many divorces from past "mass weddings." One could argue that families who are familiar with each are more likely to produce lasting, stable marriages, since there is already a basis of relationship. As far as this thing you say about "enemies," I am sure that the parents who wish to take this added dimension into account will do so and those that won't, won't, but in the long run you will see many more second-generation, international/interracial/multicultural marriages than you do know. For instance, you will see many more Korean-Black, Korean-American, Korean-Japanese marriages (all former enemies, mind you) than you do now. And this will happen not because some "marry your enemy" mandate is being followed, but simply because second generations will be freer to marry with more possibilities in mind.

7. Parents living in lonely places with few members will have only a very small network of acquaintances to draw upon when seeking a match for their child. The website may solve this problem, although of course it leaves out parents who don't use the Internet. But even a website cannot deal with the larger issue that I raise here.

* Parents who live in "lonely" (shall we say, "remote") places can refer to Internet, mailed, or faxed listings/pictures of available matchees. Follow-ups can be done in a number of ways, including in

person. This process, of course, does not require surrendering your entire matching responsibility. In fact, just the opposite, it forces you to work more on it, which is a good thing.

In conclusion, it is my hope that the Church will take some responsibility to provide a matchmaking service, one that allows parents who wish to maintain the vertical standard of Heaven to ask Heaven for a match and not be required to depend on their own efforts.

* The Unification Church is already providing the best of all possible matchmaking services, Dr. Wilson -- It is the parents, themselves!  And who knows their own children's content better than their own parents, who apart from True Father making such an important decision about their children's future happiness, must rightfully take responsibility for such a decision. After all, this is not Korea or Japan, this is America. Once you surrender your rightful responsibility, Dr. Wilson, it is nigh impossible to get it back. And once you go to the church and plead for this matchmaker and True Father finds out about it, He will consider such American parents to be failures. Then, what will your children think?

* I say, take the responsibility as a challenge, Dr. Wilson. Match your own children, and do it with confidence and pride, so that when it is their turn to match their own children, they can stand on your victorious foundation!

IMN,
Stephen Henkin
Lanham, MD

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