The Words of the Reverends Moffitt
Making Your Woman Happy
Larry R. Moffitt
October 27, 1998
This is a male bonding post for men only.
It was the summer of '79 and we were fundraising with Zoomers and carnations.
We found it worked easier for all of us if we selected one person each day to be the "indemnity man," someone who could do all the suffering for the entire team. The designated person would pay all the indemnity so everyone else could coast through the day, making record totals.
Today it was my turn to shoulder the cross, so to speak, and my product was live wasps. There was no container, so I had to carry them in my cupped hands. Bare hands. That's okay, that was part of the indemnity.
Being the indemnity man meant also meant working scrub areas nobody else wanted. They dropped me off at the foot of K2 on the Karakoram Highway on the Pakistan side of the Himalayas. My central figger said there's a holy man up there on a ledge just a few hundred feet above...those clouds. He smiled and wished me unspeakable suffering followed by a painful death -- the traditional farewell benediction given to the indemnity man -- and said by the way, the holy man is happy to entertain a question from pilgrims who make it all the way to his cave.
So I climbed, being careful to keep the wasps trapped in my hands without squashing them. Those wasps were working overtime on my poor hands and I was screaming my head off the whole way.
After many hours I crawled over the edge of the ledge, exhausted, and saw the holy man sitting cross-legged at the entrance to a small cave. He said, "Welcome, my son. Do you have a question for me?"
I said, "Yes I do. I was recently engaged. What must a man do to make a woman happy?"
"My son," he said, "You must caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, show equality for, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle crab-like along the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again."
I thanked him gratefully, sold him three for five, and climbed back down to wait for the van.
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