Settling in My Husband's Homeland

Edyie G. Hamada
July 2008

Mrs. Hamada gave this talk at an International Leadership Conference, in Osaka, Japan, earlier this year.

I am here today to give a brief talk about aspects of my life in Japan and about how I have been able to adapt to living here.

1 am pleased today to have my husband by my side. In a marriage such as ours, communication, flexibility and being able to unite are critical factors. It's like making an origami box -- if all the parts are not identical, they do not fit when you try to put them together.

I was born in British Guiana (now Guyana), a tropical country in the northern part of South America. We have a multiracial society, a land of six races -- African, Amerindian, Chinese, European, Indian and Portuguese. I am a blend of three of those.

Guyana is also religiously multifaceted. I attended Catholic, Hindu and Muslim schools. At a very early age I managed to find my spiritual path, which I have continued on to this day. The most significant decisions I have made are based on the principles that define that path. The writer John Irving once stated, "If you are lucky enough to find the way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it."

I had a diverse childhood, which helped cultivate my sense of responsibility tolerance, open-mindedness and willingness to change. I took my life in stride, as I absorbed my education, faced challenges and enjoyed the benefits of a performing arts career and social activities. I thanked God every day for the good fortune of my existence and faith. For my family, faith is based on a belief: in sometimes-unexplainable things that come with acceptance of a religious doctrine. However, knowing that sometimes reality and our beliefs are in opposition, we lived by the notion that life should be a balance of the two.

Throughout my life, I have always I considered every encounter a challenge

This was my attitude when I decided it was time for me to get married. I was introduced to my husband in 1992. We became engaged and were married that same year. Until that point, I had never considered the possibility that I would have to make the major decision of moving to Japan to live. Not that it was a problem; I had already lived in three countries and visited many others. Yet, this particular move felt permanent, which was unsettling.

After visiting on a number of occasions, and meeting my husband's family, I eventually moved to Japan. 1 discovered immediately why my Japanese friends back in New York thought I was crazy to move here. I became fully aware that I had to start a process of assimilation, but 1 was very careful to maintain some sense of my own tradition. I was not aware, however, of how difficult it would be. Most of the challenges I faced here in Japan were new. I had never experienced this level of alienation when I was living in Europe or America. I had to understand basic components of the Japanese language and traditions that influence the Japanese lifestyle. I was not totally ignorant of these things, but they were more significant than I had realized from speaking with my friends or reading about Japan before moving here.

For a considerable amount of time, I experienced stress, anger and frustration. I visited my family in Guyana once a year and felt better. I started studying the Japanese language almost immediately. I felt that was the logical thing to do in order to get around. At the same time, I signed on at Berlitz School of Languages as an English instructor. I viewed this as an opportunity to connect with Japanese people and Japanese personalities. At the same time, studying the Japanese language became exciting.

However, my knowledge of Japanese, as I soon discovered, was not a cure for instances I experienced of people stopping to glare at me as I passed by, of bringing home what I thought I needed from the supermarket and subsequently having to throw it out because I had bought the wrong thing, or of being shunned and given the response "Wakarimasen" (I don't understand) even though I was asking a question in Japanese. Many times, I wanted to get on a plane and go back home.

I recall one encounter that has helped me to see the positive side of situations and motivated me since then. It has led me to become more tolerant. I was going home from work late one evening on the train. I was seven months pregnant with my first child and usually squatted down on the train whenever I happened not to get a seat. In this instance, as I was preparing to crouch down, a voice behind me said in hesitant English, "You should not be doing this in your condition; take my seat." Here was a Japanese businessman giving up his seat to a strange, pregnant lady. I had never before had the good fortune of being offered a seat.

I realized then that there is always a ray of hope if we can cultivate the right mindset.

I had harbored negative feelings and a sense that everyone was out to get me. This seemingly insignificant encounter was the point at which I became aware that I had the responsibility of making my life either miserable or productive in Japan. I wanted to study aspects of the Japanese traditions that would help me to understand some characteristics of the Japanese personality. I decided to go to kimono school to learn to wear the kimono. I studied the tea ceremony; the story of why in olden days the door of the teahouse was so small' fascinated me. Continually making origami boxes taught me patience. I tuned in to my favorite jidaigeki shows, and not least of all, I developed the habit of politely greeting people even when I was in a bad mood. These activities opened up a wellspring of knowledge for me, as it related to the Japanese people and their culture.

I then began to experience a different facet of my married life -- the world of my children. As the children multiplied and grew, various problems appeared and needed solving; situations had to be balanced and lessons learned. I found myself facing different challenges, trying to understand my own children and later trying to understand their teachers. I also had to keep up with their different activities.

I felt compelled to teach my children the importance of traditions other than the ones that were becoming their own. I found myself teaching them about differences in manners and traditions, such as when it is okay to slurp food and when it is not okay. My husband and I are on different ends of a spectrum, culturally and traditionally. When it came to raising our children, we had to find a way for the children to understand us both.

The most important points of the unity between my husband and me became communication and respect -- respect for each other's time, space, work, thoughts and opinions. We had to agree on ways to discipline our children without alienating them. We felt it necessary to motivate them not only with references to our faith but also through example and practical means. My husband and I discovered that focusing on common goals enables us to reach a point of togetherness necessary to find solutions. By adapting, and coming up with answers, we have been able to maintain civility and cooperation with each other and for the sake of the children.

As a mother, I have accepted the necessary responsibilities of taking my turn being on call in case of emergency at basketball practices and occasionally attending the children's basketball games, class observations, PTA meetings, one-on-one meetings with teachers as well as the children's occasional check-ups. These activities have allowed me to feel more a part of the Japanese community. Recently I was elected to the kodornokai (children's activities committee) for my community. I never thought this would be possible, given the fact that I am not Japanese. I can read hiragana and some katakana, but I am unable to understand some of the communications that come my way. Nevertheless, my input during committee meetings is treated with respect.

I have always believed in people taking responsibility for their own lives and in being allowed to make choices. These choices have led me to this point in my life. The value of my life is reflected in the relationships I've developed with people around me and with those with whom I work. It is also reflected in the daily lives of the members of my family. My four children are now the motivational aspects of my life here in Japan.

In conclusion, I'd like to quote a line from a favorite song of mine, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." And as an influential figure in my life once said on the subject of individuals and the family "It is easy to live as you wish. It is more than twice as difficult to live for the sake of the conscience, for the sake of others and for the sake of God." Thank you very much.