Cosmic Poppy

September 16, 1975 (cont.)

Now I see that I am not and probably never was a "cosmic puppy" but that I had somehow contacted Poppy's spirit and that is what saved me from freaking out on the mescaline. It was Poppy who found James and it was James who found me.

I spent my first two weeks at Boonville in Big Jim's group. Big Jim had been Poppy's assistant during my first weekend. The next two weeks I spent in Alan Sayre's group, which was more intense, especially the weekend, which we spent at the sheep barn, the first group to have a seminar there.

Alan was tough and I really didn't like it, but I was determined to be perfect because I had a realization that I was meant to join the Family three years ago when I hitchhiked out to San Francisco in '72, but I failed because I freaked out when I had a ride with a satanic homosexual and I called my mom and she sent me a plane ticket even though she said she didn't have any money and I flew home the next day.

Back in Dover I broke my leg within a week. Leslie and I had decided to go horseback riding at a farm where a kid we knew named Sheldon and his family rented horses. It was autumn and the air was cool and there was a clear sky and Sheldon, Leslie and I were racing the ponies back and forth across a field. But I kept losing because my horse kept veering at a diagonal toward the barn. So I gave him a hard left rein and he ran straight and I won.

We were still galloping full speed at the end of the field when I eased up on the reins. The horse instantly turned 90 degrees to the barn and I slipped off sideways. I decided to get off before I fell off, and hit the ground hard on my chest. It knocked me out for a second. After a moment the first thing I felt was some discomfort in my leg. I lifted my head and looked back to see my right leg was bent in a bad break right in the middle of the shin. Somehow I got clipped by one of the horse's hooves, breaking both the tibia and fibula. Then the pain hit. I nearly passed out.

The broken leg was the indemnity I paid for not staying in San Francisco in '72 and joining the Family then. So I felt I had to do a lot of catching up. Onni says that if you're really sincere you can be perfect in three days, so I was determined to be sincere while in Alan's group.

But it turned out that I am arrogant in my sincerity, arrogant in my humbleness, not really willing to take full responsibility for the truth.

After that weekend I was put in Neal's flower-selling crew, but when it came time to go, I was not taken for some reason, which I still don't know, though I do know that I had not yet created oneness with Alan, so naturally when I didn't go on the flower trip I ended up back in Alan's group. Not only did I not get to do what I wanted to do the most, but I ended up where I wanted to be the least. But it was important that I learn, so I tried hard to serve Alan and I even got to center our trinity -- Susan's trinity -- a couple times because Susan's legs were bombed and she had to go lie down in the sisters' trailer.

I came much closer to understanding a leader's position, even with that little responsibility that I had. How difficult it can be to center people up. Unless you are totally centered, they will space out. I experienced such a sense of frustration from Bob and Karen and Agatha whenever they would space out, but I know it was as much my own space-outedness as theirs.

That weekend I heard Kristina lecture for the first time. In fact, it was the first time I had heard the primary lecture since I had first come back to the land four weeks earlier. That weekend really tied up the whole month for me. It is without a doubt the greatest month of my life to date.

I am now in my second week living at the San Francisco house, where life is much more intense and deeper and harder. But it's home like I have never experienced. Even on my first day I felt had lived here all my life.

San Francisco. St. Francis. I've heard a lot about San Francisco and the Grand Canyon, especially over the last week. Strange that I remember so well looking out over the canyon with the San Francisco peaks rising in the background. The most beautiful sight I have ever seen. A true masterpiece.

Today was a pretty good day, especially compared to yesterday, which was definitely an indemnity day. Mitch smashed the truck a little, even got a ticket at Powell and Market. I got thrown out, or rather escorted out of the Wells Fargo Bank and brought home my first guest, a bomb named Shelly who may have been brilliant at one time but is almost totally desensitized now. Even Kent said we just can't bring people like that home because they won't respond.

But today was different.

Well, first let me tell you about Friday, the last day of my first week in the city. It was fantastic. I sold out two or three times, was really feeling spiritual, even reached my goal of $50, even got $1 donation from a guy who couldn't stand that Reverend Moon group.

Then that weekend we went up to Boonville and I was in Sherri's group, which was a gas, like being a little kid.

So yesterday was a bomb. I started off today with a stomach ache, but I went out flower selling anyway and did OK and felt pretty good, fairly centered. Sold out on my second run. Went witnessing and met some most heavenly children, three of which came to dinner tonight -- Jamie, Amy and Joseph.

We were supposed to go to Berkeley tonight for some celebration, probably for the pioneers heading to New York, of which James is one. He is taking the Sony cassette deck that I gave him. I will miss him so much, even though we have hardly seen each other since our first weekend. Perhaps someday I too can go and really learn and live the heavenly standard from the highest source. HF be with him.