Two Months In

October 13, 1975

The time has come to get tough, to be serious. I am afraid that I have been lacking in my inspiration lately, not being faithful to my journal and just generally not being very sincere in my actions. I wish I could be more positive, even with myself, but the reality of what I see is not so positive to me. Not that I don't have hope, but that before long the going is going to get tough and grisly and maybe even ugly.

It hurts so much when I see Family members leave. How many of us will leave when our faith is really tried? Who will be faithful and who will be faithless? I can't help but look at myself with a critical eye and wonder if I will be strong enough when the day comes. Will I really be willing to die for my convictions, or will I be weak?

Even David said the same thing to me tonight, that it is really going to be a heavy scene before too long. I recognize the need more than ever to grow myself to be righteous and strong and unyielding for heaven. But every day I am faced with my own lack of faith and insincerity.

And I am also so much more aware of the absolute necessity of finding the really most capable people right now, and yet how little effort I am willing to put out for that.

Last weekend I had my first guest who actually stayed for the whole weekend. His name was Michael Embry and I met him waiting for the streetcar coming home from San Francisco State. He and his brother, George, came over that night and signed up for the weekend, but when Friday rolled around they weren't planning on going.

I had a sore throat and went to bed and slept through supper until James got me up to go to Boonville and they hadn't come over. So I went up to the land thinking I didn't have a guest, but Saturday morning I ran into Mike at the bathroom. It turned out he and George came over, but George was drunk so Poppy said he couldn't go. But for some reason Mike still decided to come.

He responded really well. I mean, he was really cooperative, but he's too attached to his old ways still. I want somebody who is going to be strong!

The weekend before last I went on a flower-selling trip around the Bay Area with Carl T. and it was good, but as usual after the first day I started losing energy and lost a lot of greater purpose and I didn't do so well. I am really going to have to work at being self-inspiring. I am really just too, too negative.

Tonight I talked with David about a study program and he said I should keep a running journal, not just one entry a day, but three, four, five entries a day. Seek inspiration and jot it down. So I feel that this journal may undergo some changes.

He also gave me a book, "Master Speaks," which looks really good. I am resolved to spend some time each morning and evening to read something about Father or the church or Principle. I am more determined than ever to really be faithful and strong, but I have so far to go.

Julie shared something with me yesterday, or rather last night when we came back from Boonville, that though it may not look like we're getting anywhere when we look forward, it is because our view of the standard increases as we grow. But by looking back on where we have been, we can see how much we have really grown.

I can scarcely remember life outside the Family.