Gimme a Sign

1975.12.8

There is one other incident from the flower trip that I recall. We were in El Paso and Matthew dropped me off at an out-of-the-way little bar. Before I went in, I went around back to pray that HF would give me some sort of sign, that even though I wasn't selling all that much, that I was still doing the right thing.

So I went into the bar, really expecting something terrific to happen. But no one responded and I just couldn't believe it. Finally I went outside, sort of bewildered, and said to myself, "And God was silent."

At that precise moment every light in that part of town went out. It was a blackout. People came out of their houses and it created a bit of excitement. Matthew came along and I tried to tell him about my prayer and the possible connection to the blackout, but he was so excited that it took a little while for him to listen to me.

Then he dropped me and Tom off at a Denny's and a Smuggler's Inn. A band called Westwind was playing at the inn, so I knew it was for me. But even with the blackout and everything, I still got thrown out. While I was waiting outside, the manager came out but walked right by me. I'm sure he didn't see me and it was my chance to sneak inside. But fear gripped my heart and I couldn't move. Finally the manager went back inside, came out a little while later and this time told me to get off the property. So I went and bundled my flowers and the lights came back on. I'm sure if I hadn't been so faithless that I would have done great if I had gone back in the restaurant.

We have been back about a week now. This is my second weekend since I've been back. Thursday, after the movies on Communism, Onni said that we shouldn't go home for Christmas. She also said there was a spy somewhere in the Family, but she didn't care and it didn't matter, which really blew me away. Then we went home and I shared about the movies with David and even he said that there was a spy in the Family. But I knew HF would never let anything happen now that True Parents are here as long as we are faithful and take responsibility. So to show HF my faithfulness I said I would not go home for Christmas as I had long planned to do, especially after missing Thanksgiving. I tearfully wrote a letter home stating as much, but that night my parents called to make plane reservations and arrangements and when I said I wouldn't be home, I knew it really hurt them. They took it so personally. They wanted to know what was so strong to keep me here. Why couldn't I come home for just a couple days?

I tried to explain, but I didn't tell them about Reverend Moon, so they knew that I wasn't telling them everything. I could only tell them to pray about it, and I have been praying for them. I know from their viewpoint it seems almost tragic and that I am really rejecting them. But the reality of the situation is that I love HF more than anything and will make any sacrifice for Him, even not seeing my parents on Christmas.

Afterward I felt a victory, just as the time Imoe called up to Boonville my second week here. Both times Satan was trying to get me. Sometimes this is so fantastic, like most of the time, that I can't believe it. I know it's true, yet it's so hard to believe right now.