One More Time, With Feeling

1976.6.3

After returning from Belvedere I felt a strong desire to go home. In fact it was overwhelming. I called home and spoke to mom for some time. She told me she had come to Yankee Stadium and Leslie had come with her. They had tried to find me but couldn't. My heart started pounding. I prayed God would guide me.

Captain Yasuda was sleeping in our room. I woke him up and told him I wanted to go home for a couple days. He said okay. I grabbed my things and was out the door and at the Port Authority in minutes. It was 9:15 pm and the bus would leave at 10. The only money I had was $10 that Captain had given each of us for expense money, meaning food, and a $2 bill I kept in my wallet. It was enough to buy a round-trip ticket to Delaware.

The bus arrived in State Road in Delaware about 12:30 am and I called home. An hour later I was in Dover and mom and dad were there to greet me. They were so happy.

I had determined that I would not visit them for myself but as a mission for God, to try to raise their spirits and help them feel more positive about the church.

I spent most of today with Leslie, but she doesn't really understand what I'm doing. For the most part she indicated that she didn't feel she needs God at this point. I explained that my desire was to restore our relationship from that of friends and lovers to brother and sister. She asked if we would ever be lovers again, but I said only if God wants us to be married. She went home and only asked that I call her before I leave.

I was out in dad's garden working, thinking about Leslie and our relationship, which now seemed completely severed. I had tried to win her heart. I told her what I thought were many wonderful things about God and my life in the church. I tried singing to her. But she couldn't relate to anything. She just thought I was brainwashed. She could see nothing of value in me or what I was doing.

When I had called her this morning she had cried. But now after spending most of the day with me, I could feel she was disappointed. I was reflecting on all of this out in the garden, thinking this would finally free me from thinking about her. So many times on MFT I would end up daydreaming about her and it would make me homesick and cause me to lose focus on my mission. As much as I still loved her, I knew in my heart it would be better for God's providence if I could stop thinking about her. I had to let her go.

Captain Yasuda called Dover. He was very mad, more than I had ever heard him. He said he had no recollection of giving me permission to leave and the workshop in New York was very important and that I should come back right away. I promised I would.

I felt crushed. First of all, I felt bad that I had gone against God's will. I felt so judged and ashamed for being so selfish. But even worse, I knew this would truly crush my parents. It would have been better had I not come at all. They are so jealous of the church. It hurts them so much. I had come hoping our short time together would make them feel better. Instead, I was about to cause them unbearable pain. Again. I just can't seem to get anything right when it comes to my family.

Almost immediately mom began about mind control and that I had a right to take a rest and see my family and all the other members tell her they see their families all the time and why can't I and they can do without me for a while. I felt so helpless to comfort her. I told her the story of Abraham and Isaac and that she would have to be willing and grateful to sacrifice me. She said she doesn't care about God, but I know that is not true. It was her broken heart talking. She was so lonely for me already.

Then dad came in and she told him and he began about every negative thing he had ever come across or ever crossed his mind. There was nothing I could do but listen. Finally he ended. He was not angry, but so confused and disappointed.

I wanted so badly to explain why this was important to me -- and to them -- but where to start? How could I possibly convey to them in just a couple hours my experiences of the past 10 months? I couldn't even do it over several days if I talked nonstop. What could I possibly say to them in that moment to help them understand? Nothing. Nothing I could say could possibly make it better.

The inevitable, unsparing truth is I would have to leave them and they would have to be deeply hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. They would believe that some invisible external evil had pulled me away from them. But that was not true. I was doing it myself, of my own clear conscience and free will. It was what I had chosen to do. There's no one to blame but me. It hurts like hell, but I'm willing to carry the cross of their confusion and pain and misunderstanding.

I think this must be a test for my parents. At least I have their assurance they will never try to have me kidnapped, even though they don't agree with the doctrine of the church or the techniques it employs.

It doesn't seem like it to me right now, but I know someday it will be all right. It has to be. I don't think I could keep going if I didn't have absolute faith that we'll get through this. I love them too much.

Still, there is nothing for me here now. I have no desire to stay. I feel my mission has been accomplished. The bus left Dover at 11 pm. It's too sad to remember the loss in their eyes as I pulled away. They think they'll never see me again, but I know it's not true. It will get better. I haven't left them. I'm closer to them now than ever in my life. They just don't know it yet, but they will someday.

So why did I suddenly come to Dover? Perhaps there were too many old thoughts in my head about Leslie, haunting me and spacing me out. So God gave me this chance to resolve it in person because I couldn't resolve it with letters or phone calls. Leslie looked the same. Very pretty and attractive. But spiritually she did not look so good. It does not seem she has been doing herself much good spiritually. At least she came to Yankee Stadium.

As the bus heads toward New York, I feel I can go forward with new determination and rededication. I may still have to suffer the wrath of God from Captain Yasuda, and maybe even Mr. Hayashi, but they say this is when you can feel Father's heart the most. I look forward to this moment.

Who can ever understand the Unification Church?