Extreme Faith Makeover

1976.6.9

Father has announced our next goal: a massive rally at the Washington Monument in September. He said it will be the completion stage of his mission: Madison Square Garden was formation, Yankee Stadium was growth, and Washington Monument will be perfection.

Today was my first day in Little Rock, back in my old stomping grounds of Arkansas. I made $188.88, which I guess symbolizes a new beginning.

I left Dover the same night that Captain Yasuda called. At first I felt very free from the past. Seeing my parents, and especially Leslie, dispelled a lot of myths I had formed in my mind over the last few months. In reality, the situation was not so romantic as I had supposed from afar. Leslie rejected me. My parents rejected me. There really was no place for me to go except back to New York. I didn't even call Leslie to say goodbye. There was nothing to say. We had nothing in common anymore.

I also learned how weak my spiritual foundation was. Had I stayed in Dover, eventually I would have begun compromising a little here and a little there and ultimately fall. The very thought is so frightening.

When I got back to New York it was the second day of workshop and the lecture was on the Fall of Man. I felt so judged. By the end of each lecture I couldn't wait to fall to my knees and cry out in repentance. Going home, even for just one day, really woke me up.

Also from the workshop I felt my personal responsibility, or rather lack of it, for Yankee Stadium. I have learned about faith in a completely new way, and now understand the difference between angelic faith and adamic faith. My faith had been so angelic. I was expecting miracles at Yankee Stadium. Signs and wonders for all to see. But miracles require no understanding. A person only witnesses the miracle and then believes. The faith of children.

Adamic faith is so much deeper because there are no outward miracles or signs. It's faith for men, based on knowledge and truth. One can have faith because of logic and common sense. In the Old Testament up to the time of Jesus, mankind had no knowledge of anything. Science and mathematics were primitive concepts. There was no foundation of intelligence for God to communicate the truth. So He had to resort to miracles and signs and wonders. A pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, parting the Red Sea, turning water into wine, walking on water, raising the dead. Who wouldn't follow after witnessing such marvels? But is it true faith, based on understanding of the truth? Children quickly lose interest when the magic stops.

I must have adamic faith for Washington Monument. We are past the age of miracles. God wants us to follow Him because finally we have the intellectual capacity to understand what his plan is, why the messiah must come again, what the messiah's mission actually is, and what our portion of responsibility is. We're not little kids anymore. God wants us to be adults, to be faithful even when the world is against us, because we know the truth. I never understood this concept until now.

Today was the first day I got to put this new determination to work. It was hell. Never have I felt so forsaken. I would try to pray, but I felt no life. I would continually space out. I would try for a long time, but I would never feel like I had broken through or established a firm foundation with God. Eventually I just determined to persevere no matter what. I have never felt so distant from God. Yet I was high seller.

Commander Hayashi said God wants to unite with us as quickly as possible, so I expect my course to become more difficult, because that is the fastest way. I know I have much to offer heaven, but first God has to see if He can trust me after my going home to Delaware. I'm sure that He's not so sure about me now, so I expect Him to send me many trials. I welcome them all.