This Is Where It Gets Bad

1977.12.15

Almost two months since my last entry I see. I wonder if I can put down everything that happened in these last two months. Usually works best when I start at the present and then move back, or rather look back, and then sometimes try to project ahead.

At the moment I am sitting in a motel room in Midland, Texas, No. 37 at the Motel 6, for what it's worth, and I am half-listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon," which I bought yesterday along with the new Grateful Dead, called "Terrapin Station," which is really excellent.

But what am I doing buying tapes like that, one might ponder? As a matter of fact, I am pondering this myself. That is, what drove me to make this entry? Well, I guess first off I still have a deep connection to the music of these two groups, the Grateful Dead in general and "Dark Side of the Moon" in particular, something I haven't quite been able to put my finger on -- yet. But why this sudden search for roots when just a few days ago I was just another MFT captain leading a team, trying to unite them to God and True Parents and commander in some unspecified way? Well, let's see.

We began as a team of eight, with five sisters and three brothers, including myself, and the first week of competition went pretty good with a couple days up around $200 average. One day I drove 1,000 miles doing small towns south of San Angelo. I made the first drop off at 3:30 a.m.

I had a really good talk with one of the sisters, Beverly. I asked her what she thought the team needed. She said her experience as a pioneer in South Dakota was that people were competing with each other without loving each other -- in other words, there was some jealousy, which made us feel separate. She also said, and I'll never forget this as long as I live, I feel it was God who spoke: "There is a qualitative difference between saying 'I'll do this and you follow' and 'Let's do this thing together.'" I was awestruck by her wisdom.

A little while later we went to Killeen, Texas. Commander came to see us. We also had a very good day. Since then, however, the team has been declining, and it's been difficult to know just exactly what to do. So after one day when we had a $40 average, I felt compelled to say something at least. The day before I had been with commander and Peter Spoto in Dallas and they spoke a lot about the jealous nature of sisters and how to deal with it. So while we were traveling I spoke to the sisters about the blessing and jealousy, but except for Beverly, no one would receive my words and they became quite resentful. Also, one of my brothers just about quit fundraising altogether, then one of the sisters sort of ran away.

Miraculously, commander came to see us and promised to speak strongly to us. Then the sister who ran away reappeared, but she was very unhappy and still wanted to leave. So commander took her and the brother who had quit fundraising back to Dallas with him. Before he left, commander spoke to us about the evil history of Texas, especially the failures within our family. Commander said he finally realized the reason he had come to Texas was because he knew the history of Texas. At that point I was completely committed to supporting commander and I felt totally united with him.

Without going into details, my attitude was severely tested in a way I would have never expected. I was shocked, disgusted, confused, disappointed and I felt I had been killed.

So quite simply I am trying to recover because I want to keep going and get victory. God works through central figure no matter what. God will test us with another person's fallen nature. We can get victory by "going over" -- conquering -- the feelings of hate and resentment and being more concerned with that person's eternal life than our own.

We must completely forgive each other of our sins and really work to support each other to unite with God. If I can go over, this victory is mine.