Wishing I Was Dead

1978.1.31

Two entries in one month. Must be a record. Not like Howie, though. He writes in his journal every night almost. His is loaded with all kinds of stuff. It's more like a scrapbook, with lots of pictures and articles and a daily record of his goal and result and highlights of the day and his general attitude and points of victory or defeat and calculations and graphs. He is really an amazing person.

Before the family he was a heroin addict, but then went into a monastery for a while to mellow out. He is by far the craziest fundraiser one could ever hope to meet. He shows no fear, except at the prospect of not making his goal. He has totally blown away my concepts of fundraising.

One night down on Westheimer in Houston, an area full of rich, snooty people, Howie went into a fancy nightclub -- always a kick out. But he just set his flowers on the bar and started cashing in some change. The manager or somebody came over to kick him out. Howie turned to him and screamed, "Get your fucking hands off me!" The guy fell into a state of shock and then Howie just went around and made a lot of money. Not the conventional style. Almost every day he performs some miracle.

Also on my team now are Carolyn Chehardy and Roger Balabanno. Together, the three of them, the top three in the region, represent intellect, heart and will, respectively. I feel God has put them together at his time so that they can each gain some substantial victory for this new year, so they might give testimony to the rest of the region. Overall our result has been very good, well over $200 average. On weekends, usually $300 and $400 average.

I am not doing very much fundraising. Just sporadic. Trying to save as much area as possible.

But enough of this external stuff. Internally I am a wreck. If I weren't in the family, I'm sure I would commit suicide. And if I had anyplace to go, I would probably leave. In other words, in case you can't tell, I am utterly miserable.

Satan's accusation comes in waves. I am up and down almost daily. I can't seem to connect to God or True Parents in a substantial way. My relationship with commander is nil, which is the source of my misery, because I loved and trusted him so much. My future to me looks very uncertain.

I think God gave me this present situation of leading Howie, Carolyn and Roger because they don't need so much care. They are strong and determined. I get a lot of strength from them. I feel I have almost nothing to give them. After this competition is over, I am almost afraid to think of what will happen.

I have a base now with some chapter two spirit. It's so hideous to wake up with no control over my body. Sometimes I wish I was dead. But there must be a way out. Though I didn't actually fall, still the accusation is always there. I feel so humiliated and unworthy. If I had any other place to go, I would leave. But I know there is nothing for me anywhere but here. This is my only hope.

I wish I could be confident and strong to comfort God and True Parents, but this internal war has got me stymied. Half of the time I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's really difficult to focus for any length of time.

I did manage to destroy the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd tapes. I realized I was turning into a literal "rockaholic" and they weren't helping me any. But still there is a lot of garbage clogging the pipes. If any sister should tempt me now, I am finished. I am so desperate for love now that my thoughts easily become cloudy and confused. Without a substantial relationship of love and trust with my central figure, it's almost impossible to keep going. But so far I've managed. How much more or longer I have no idea.

I don't want to fall. I only want to know God and love God and serve God. But the flesh is weak.

Captain Krishnek, Michiyo-san and myself are fasting every day from 12 to 12 and taking cold showers. I wish I could say that I am getting better, but I don't have the confidence to say it. Michiyo said she is worried about me. She is afraid I will leave. She may be right. She keeps warning me indirectly about falling. She said the day I meet someone (a sister) with whom I can share my heart will be a very dangerous time unless the sister is connected to God.

Good luck. I have just got to get it together soon. My situation at the moment --driving Howie, Roger and Carolyn -- is the only thing that keeps me going. If I were to have weaker members, I don't think I could survive. I hate to ask God for help because I want to be a true son and comfort my True Parents, but I am in a jam.

I can't deny that I got myself here, though I can't understand exactly how, but I am at a complete loss as to how to get out. Some temptation will come, some test, I am sure. At the present I am not prepared to go over, though I wish to God I was. At least I don't have any more concepts about the power of strength of a fallen man. Whatever I have that is good, whatever it is, whether it be heart, intellect or will, comes from God. And what is evil comes from Satan.

Perhaps God has put me here so that by uniting with Carolyn and Howie and Roger I might possibly gain the heart, intellect and will I need. All I can do now is try to have faith and endure and give whatever I have for God's purpose.

There must be some powerful restoration going on. I just hope I can make it to the end without falling. God help me.