EQ Relationship Builder: Conformity and Dealing with Peer Pressure

 

                  An Emotionally Intelligent Note to Parents

 

                      "I am who I am, and I'm me."

                                   from Peter Pan)

 

        Having the wisdom and ability to choose whether to conform or not conform has a

powerful impact on how we relate to other people and how they relate to us. Therefore,

conformity and the ability to deal with peer pressure can be seen as both character-building and

relationship-building characteristics.

       As part of normal childhood development, children need to feel a part of the group,

whether the group be their class, their scout troop, or other groups of peers. Conformity is

strongly encouraged by our culture: children learn to dress like other children, like the things

others like, talk the way others talk, and even think the way others think. Of course, some degree

of conformity, is important, since it is necessary if children are to develop an identity as a member

of society. One type of conformity, positive conformity, enables children to function in the culture

in which they live, giving them experiences of success and adding to their self esteem.

        However, conformity also has its down side. Conformity can become a goal in and of

itself where the young person wants to be like everyone else for fear of being laughed at or to

avoid being unpopular. Children may begin to practice negative conformity, which is the taking

on undesirable characteristics of others whom they view as popular, powerful, or daring. Some

children have difficulty deciding when to conform and do what others do and when to be

themselves, be their own individual, and resist conforming for the sake of conformity.

        We discussed with the children examples of positive conformity (e.g., being quiet in church

when everyone else is silent and praying) and negative conformity (e.g., creating a disruption in

class when the teacher leaves the room, because everyone else is doing it, too). We also talked

about what to consider when deciding whether or not to conform, including:

        1) Their moral and religious values

        2) Their family's values

     3) How they see themselves as a person (their own identity)

     4) Which choice will help versus hurt others

 

        Please review the above ideas with your child, and then try the following exercise to

 reinforce the EQ lesson at home:

         1. The topic of conformity and peer pressure are especially important given the increasing

 violence of our society, such as we have seen recently in our high schools. If your child is old

 enough, discuss the ways in which negative conformity and relying too much on being accepted by

 and conforming to one's peers might have played a role in such incidents.

 

        Thanks for having your child participate.                           

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