I have been struggling with my own personal experience with True Family in recent years. I can't say that I have all the answers, but I do have a strong heart and desire to not run away from questions like that. After all, if I didn't question things that did not ring true to my spirit, I would never have had the guts to find and join our movement, as opposed to the church that I was in. The entire premise of the DP's intro rests on the fact that God is counting on modern man discontent to just accept the same kind of answers to questions that he previously had to settle for with blind faith.

Presently I must draw the line in my faith that everything True Parents and the True Family has done is great and above board simply because of who they are. I used to believe that way absolutely and was very proud of myself and my faith. The kind of faith that says "Father can do anything he wants because not only is he Principled, but he is above the Principle -- he's Father". Now I no longer believe that, even though I believe that he is the Messiah. I ask you to hear me out in what I have to say and would be very much interested in each persons' response.

I would like to give you a little information about my own spiritual life. I'm 43 years old now and when I was 18 when I heard the Principle on my birthday! I thought it was the greatest thing I had ever heard, but was worried a little that it might be too good to be true. I joined after having I had a spiritual experience forty days later that lasted for many hours. I continued to have two more experiences, each forty days apart after that. I was fortunate enough to work closely with Tiger Pak in CARP here in America and Germany. In fact my travels with the church has taken me to work in twenty different countries. I was fortunate enough to join the Manhattan Center in 1990. While I was there I produced 7 CD's including the "Parent's Favorites" set. For the most part, I would have to say that it was a wonderful experience, working closely with Hyo Jin Nim and other members. I entered that mission with type of faith that believed everything would work out OK if one united (and I mean really united in one's heart.) Without going into too much detail I would like to day that I don't believe that that is the faith that God is looking for today. I did see some of the points that Nan Sook mentioned in her book to be very accurate. I also saw many inspirational sides about Hyo Jin Nim's character that were basically left out of the book completely.

My main point is this. I don't believe that spiritual logic and traditions we have been practicing in the movement should overshadow and perhaps cover for things that we know are wrong. Take the Fall of Man for example. I knew Annie (the sister Hyo Jin Nim had the affair with) and know what spiritual rationalization took place at that time. -- Being told Hyo Jin Nim can do those kinds of things because of his position and that it is "providential" etc. The Principle does tell us what is right and wrong and that no one is "above the law." If it is broken, then there will be consequences. Also, the same standard applies to True Parents. I don't know if True Father did have a son out of wedlock (Sammy Pak or other) but believe that if he did, that it was not right and that there will be consequences. I wish that I could say that it doesn't make any difference to me, but it does. I know that when Ye Jin Nim (Fathers' first daughter) asked Father the truth about that subject, that she could not accept whatever answer was given and consequently left the church. I know that when the Ormes found out about the reality of something like that, they left. I know what I saw in Manhattan Center. I also know that I am not able to witness with my heart about True Parents and True Family at this point in my life. And I do not have enough pulling power to talk to people (my folks, my children etc) when they bring up those specifics. The best thing I can do is pursue the truth. And try to find what I need for my faith.

I do believe that many of the difficulties that our movement faces are because of consequences to practices that we have brought on ourselves. Financially, many of the foundations are coming down. I don't believe it is right to fund the movement on so much debt, and feel that if members continue to go into more and more debt to help "bail out the providence" that we may not be finding the root of the problems (be they corruption, mismanagement, etc.) and continue to repeat some of them. It just can not stand up through the test of time. From how we handled the court case (falsifying records?) to fund raising in wheelchairs, we need to be more honest. I know that in the last few years I have lied to my parents a lot about various issues that happened in Manhattan Center. This was in order to not let them know about specific things that would hurt their faith and make it harder for us to do home church. I now believe that it would have been better for me to be a little more honest about things. How much more we need each other as members to help keep each other honest as well. Having said that, I would ask you to please join me in this serious pursuit of Unificationism and deeply welcome your comments, heart, and prayers.

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