Testimony of Heart

Annie Gagne
October 11, 2011

Sun Myung Moon and family, September 11, 2011

This December is my husband's 10th year since his passing. We went through difficult times in our marriage, as, I'm sure, all marriages go through. We also had many wonderful times. When we first got matched in 1979, we didn't really like each other. We could have started family after the 1982 blessing, but we still didn't care for each other.

When we finally started family 3 years later, we felt excitement in our relationship. Perhaps we had fallen in love with each other. Then, the children came and we grew apart because of raising them and mission. Then, we hit a brick wall where we almost got divorced when our children were 10 and 9 years old.

Because of this major struggle, I decided to stop my mission and focus on my family. I read books on how to win my husband's heart and applied it to our relationship. I wanted to save my marriage for my children's sake and for God. He felt the same way. Because of this, we were able to open our hearts and share the most intimate things we never shared before. We came to understand each other and came to love each other again. We did not "fall in love" with each other as when we first started our family, but developed a very mature, respectful and caring love.

About a week before he passed away, we had a discussion that seemed to finally close the door on the past -- we finally accepted that we were meant for each other. It was a long climb and a lot of heartache, but we finally concluded this. He ascended 8 days later.

I cannot tell you how very grateful I am that we had that discussion before he passed away. If we hadn't, there would have been SO many regrets in my heart, even until today--10 years later.

I beg all of you to really try to communicate with your spouses and try to bring love into your marriage. It probably means meeting your spouse 90% of the way. I remember talking to one sister whose husband ascended a few years before mine. They had 3 children together. I could not believe all the resentment she had toward her husband. She couldn't talk about him without getting angry -- every time! How difficult life must be for her. I also think how difficult life must be for him in spirit world -- with no loving prayers coming his way to raise him up!

And, yes, my husband comes to me in my dreams and we do make love. But, the deepest feelings I've had with him in my dreams is not when we were making love, but when he was holding me in his arms and there is this spiritual union and oneness with him in every cell of my body. It is like being totally satiated, content and happy with the universe--I suppose it is what it is like to be totally one with God! It is a deeply beautiful feeling.

I've shared with a few sisters who haven't had a physical relationship with their husbands--for years! I just cannot imagine that. God wants to be there in the most intimate bond between husband and wife.

I do want to point out that my relationship with my husband is not always so connected. Just like when he was here in the physical world, I have to nurture our relationship. If I don't think of him often, I feel distant from him. So, it is still a lot of work to keep our marriage going.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. Please don't give up on your marriages--nurture it. Find a way to build respect and love.

God bless,

Annie