At the beginning of this STF-Europe year I didn’t even have much of a clue what I will have to face in the year ahead of me. Before coming to STF-Europe I didn’t have much of a relationship with God. I did not take the True Parents as my True Parents. I didn’t even know what it meant to be a Second Generation. I knew only the fact that I was. I went into this year to try to discover these things, yet I did not know how or even when that would happen. I came as well to STF-Europe not knowing anybody. I knew it wasn’t a big deal, because BCs are quite easy to get along with.

The one big experience at the kick-off workshop that I can recall was my experience with God one evening on top of this hill in Schmitten in one of the 21 minutes prayers. As I was up there praying I felt this warmth, love and happiness that was much beyond me. As I was praying for my family this is when I felt it so strongly that God has so much more love for my family than I ever had before; but now I felt so powerfully myself. And I knew that it was not me alone, but only with God I could love like that. After that I knew this was only the beginning of the story with me and God. And only the beginning of my experiences to come.

I headed out with my new family or at that time just my first team. I had never done fundraising before. I never really had to live with sisters before. I mean, I am from a family of all brothers. The whole first condition, I guess, I remember just getting adjusted to this new way of life that was completely opposite than I had ever experienced before. As the end of the first condition was coming fast I slowly started taking it more seriously and understanding the value.

After a little workshop and a Disneyland adventure the next condition came along. For one week we went through France, a place I did not end up liking. This was, because Americans are not so well received there, especially Americans who don’t speak French and are trying to fundraise to them.

My major experience there was quite hurtful, but showed me an aspect of God. It was God’s desperation for his children. To make a long story a bit shorter, I went out alone one day. I was just out for a little while, when I saw a man and a woman in an argument that became physical. I stopped it by separating them and holding the man back. In the end I could not do anything really. They both left, first the woman and then the man. It happened again. I broke it up once again. And yet the woman would not leave. And nobody around would help. I could not communicate because I did no speak French. I felt helpless after they disappeared.

I reflected about this trying to understand what God was trying to show me through this. And what I realized was, that every single moment God is screaming at us trying to get us away from what is harming us. And He feels so powerless, because there is nothing that He can do. Because we don’t understand His language which is the language of heart. I felt so sad for God. But it was such a needed realization. I did not give up fundraising after that happened. I continued despite the pain that I felt. But knew I had to continue for God.

France ended several days later and we arrived back in Switzerland, one of the most beautiful places I know of. In that condition I wanted to be unstoppable for God. I took it with much more seriousness and I really wanted to do this for God. I gained much from that condition. My team was no longer just a team but like a family. I experienced spiritual world, how real it is and more how it helps in fundraising. It was really good. And I felt in the end as if I was unstoppable for God, at least most of the time.

We finished the second condition and then we had a bit of a Christmas break. Skiing and such. Then we headed for England for the Culture of Heart workshop. A week later, after that amazing time, I had a new team and a new country, Scotland.

I came to Scotland being a driver and a team member. It was much opposite of Switzerland. I did not feel God so much nor could I open my heart towards the team leader. I was very disappointed with my attitude and this did not go very well. There was much to work on, because I was staying in the same team for four months of witnessing.

When the time of witnessing was approaching I was excited for the "new train", for the chance to really understand the DP, for the chance to give lectures and maybe even to get a spiritual child. To start out we had a Witnessing/DP workshop. This hardly prepared me for the task ahead of me.

So, in the beginning witnessing was great. I tried to really give everything. I went out experimenting with different tactics (which was exciting at first), bringing in guests, giving lectures even. The first condition was really good.

But as time went on it got tough on all levels. I lost sight of what I had set out to do, I lost conviction, I lost love for the team, worst of all I lost God. Now this did not just happen all at once. It was a very slow, gradual kind of thing. I found myself very arrogant and self-absorbed, which led me to be very depressed and cut off from all relationships. As the time past it went up and down. At one point I was alright. I started to get some guests. They even came to a one-day seminar. I even had one guest, who was going to come to a two-day workshop, but he cancelled in the last minute. After that I was feeling a major lack of love. I could no longer really talk with anybody.

This all changed though towards the last month or so. At the epitome of my brake down I had a sharing with Grace Joergensen, the IW, which helped immensely. After that it got a little better. But still I was quite self-centered. Then I had another talk with Stefan Kaiser, the commander, when he came. That helped too.

Then came the time, when I broke through. It was at a seven-day workshop. I had no guests. But this gave me a lot of time to think and evaluate the whole situation of my spirit. I was put in charge of a team consisting of other struggling people. So, I had to start helping others as well. I had to pray for the guests a lot. And finally, after clearing up some things with my central figure, I had a long prayer and finally I felt God again. After that it went better. The last final weeks came up and I was able to reconnect with God, clear up problems, clear up relationships with team members and finish off really well.

The witnessing was one of the hardest things I have been through this year. But it was the time when I learned the most about myself and about relationships. I finally took True Parents as my True Parents and really could connect with God. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to realize the best in life.

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