My heart as a director of a district workshop is always full of mixed feelings. I feel I have been blessed to be able to discover a sense of responsibility in myself and an urgency towards the education of the younger second generation. Through my experiences fundraising and witnessing and even from situations as a college student, I have gained a certain confidence that I can make a change in the spiritual lives of the youth. However, on the other hand, there is always the lurking sense of inadequacy and incompetence, a strong bothersome reminder that blames me for not being enough of a leader. This conflict follows me to every workshop, and I even encounter it as my staff and I meet and create its content in the preparation stages.

Sometimes it is difficult to clearly decide which will be stronger: Holding on to the belief that God had chosen me for a reason despite my shortcomings or to surrender to the temptations of thinking that I had no value.

During the workshop, I struggled to find my balance. I was always afraid of overstepping my authority or forgetting that I was simply an instrument being used in conducting the workshop. At the same time, I felt weak or not skilled enough to be able to create a life-changing workshop, and so thinking that God was making the decisions helped to push away my insecurity. Sometimes it is awkward or difficult guiding and leading my own staff because of our closeness in age, some older than me, and many of them being good friends of mine. However, I felt if I continued to think of God’s desire for me and at the same time work harder than them, then I could have a foundation of authority to guide them.

In the workshop setting, my relationship with the staff is probably most important. It determines how well the workshop flows as well as how deep of an experience the participants can have. I invest most in the staff, hoping that they can invest their hearts in their team members. I tried to remind them that even though we are taking care of the participants and hoping and praying that they grow through the guidance and activities set up for them, that as staff, we must grow as well. We reminded ourselves that for the participants to grow in their relationships with God and True Parents, we as staff had to grow and breakthrough first.

Then my realization came as well. I as the director of the workshop, as the "team captain" for all the staff, would have to have my own breakthrough before I could expect it from the staff, and thus from the participants.

I felt my breakthrough point would be in how much I could think about God and His desire for me in all the decisions I would have to make.

The many responsibilities of director would test my ability to practice this point. It confronted me in everything I did. In preparing my lecture to the participants, I had to seriously search to find the message that God wanted to give. To simply think about it for a few seconds would not give God justice. I had to sincerely search and pray and reflect back in to my life experiences of how I had met God and True Parents.

In guiding the staff, I had to ask myself how was I setting an example as a leader. I had to remind myself that I was the representative of True Father. In the team meetings after closing, it was a chance for me to really share with the staff my heart and also my honest evaluations of how each of them was doing. In critiquing and advising them, I was actually very afraid to say anything at all; however, I felt that I couldn’t just stay silent. In those moments, I would think about what I would say many times over before it came out of my mouth. I was begging God and True Parents to give me the right words to say, something that would help the staff grow and not hurt their hearts.

A few times I was able to relate with the participants themselves. In those moments, I tried to simply be a big brother, forgetting my title as the director. I would take each encounter seriously, asking God what could I say to this participant, how can I express love to them in the short time that I have.

Even in practicing all this, hoping to find God’s message for me, many times the answers didn’t come. Many times I would regret not saying the right things to the staff or I was frustrated when the "revelations" didn’t come as I prepared my lectures. I felt sorry to those participants that I met that I couldn’t touch their hearts more deeply.

Still, I kept thinking about what could God’s desire be for me and continued to invest in the workshop. As the week went on, I began to think more clearly and my decision making became more quick and confident. More importantly, I felt that the staff and their teams were having lots of breakthroughs themselves.

I felt that God was accepting my small condition to think of Him and work hard at the same time. I felt that God looked at the sincerity of my staff even though we weren’t perfect or qualified to lead the participants.

Sometimes I feel that all you can do is work hard with sincerity even when things aren’t going completely to plan. I think that participants had a deep experience, but not because of me as a director. I think that God was able to work through us as staff because our hearts were in the right place.

Thank you.