The Words of Won Pil Kim
Lantern used by Sun Myung Moon in his mud hut in Pusan.
This account of Father's activities in Pusan from 1951 to 1953 is compiled primarily from tapes of several talks on Father's life given by Rev. Kim to the first 120-day training session at the World Mission Center in 1981, supplemented by excerpts from his testimony given at Belvedere on October 14, 1979, and his book Father's Course and our Life of Faith. Occasional portions in parentheses come from Mr. Kwang Yol Yoo's historical articles in the December 21, 1974 New Hope News and January 1976 Tongil Segye.
Father and I were among the last refugees to escape from Pyongyang and come to Pusan. We got to Pusan on January 27, 1951, at the Cho Ryung Yuk train station. When we arrived, it was already dark outside, and we had to stay overnight at the train station.
Now Pusan is a major industrial center of Korea, but at that time its industry was not so highly developed. Most other refugees arrived in Pusan after about ten days or two weeks of travel, but our journey, beginning on December 4, 1950, took nearly two months.
Arriving in Pusan, Father started looking for the friends he had made in Pyongyang or Seoul. One night we spent in the house of one of the students in a Sunday school class which Father had taught in Seoul. Many Korean families at that time had just one room, in which many people lived together. If Father had gone alone to visit a friend, it would have been rather easy for them to invite him to stay with them, but I was always with him, so it was not easy for two people to be invited to spend the night. Therefore, I went out to get work and find a room to stay, because an able-bodied man could not just linger at someone's house. I found work as a waiter in a restaurant and got a place to live nearby.
Father began to look for a friend who could connect with him by faith. Then he met one former schoolmate of his student days in Japan, Mr. Duk Moon Aum. Mr. Aum invited Father to stay with him. (Father had left Pyongyang wearing white clothes, but by the time he reached Pusan, his clothes were almost black with soil and grease.)
Right away, Father began speaking with Mr. Aum about the ideal world. Though Mr. Aum's family was Buddhist and Mr. Aum himself an earnest Buddhist and loyal to his parents, one night Jesus' sister appeared to Mr. Aum in a dream. Mr. Aum didn't know anything about Jesus or his family situation, but this woman, who said she was Jesus' younger sister, told him that because of mistakes made by Mary, Jesus had great resentment towards his mother. The problem was how to liberate this resentment. She told Mr. Aum about a safe which when it was opened held another safe, inside which was still another safe, etc.; until the final safe could be reached and unlocked, there was no way Jesus' resentment could be healed. She said that only one person had a key to the innermost safe, and that was Teacher Moon. Not knowing anything about Christianity, Mr. Aum did not understand the meaning of that dream, so he recounted it to Father. Then Father told him about Principle.
Father and Mr. Aum had been friends in Japan, but after Mr. Aum began receiving messages from heaven and listening to Principle, he changed his attitude and began treating and attending Father as a teacher, not just a friend. He became convinced that he should follow Father once and for all. (Father lived with Mr. Aum and his family for about a week and later stayed in something like a YMCA.)
Later, Father met the Mr. Kim who had become his first disciple in prison. He was the one who had asked Father about the advisability of being transferred to a branch prison, and Father had replied that if anything were to happen, he should try to escape. The day the communists began to kill the prisoners, Mr. Kim was able to run away while they were being taken to the execution site. Later he was able to flee to the South, coming to Pusan and finding work there. He had recently gotten married, but since he and his wife were refugees, there was no big wedding, only a simple token ceremony. As soon as he met Father again, he took Father into his home. The newlyweds had a little furniture and a few utensils in their one small room, but they welcomed Father and invited him to stay with them for two weeks.
At that time, I was separated from Father. I was doing my job and Father was doing his. But Father was concerned about me, and whenever he had a guest or friend, he would come to visit me in the restaurant and introduce me to him, telling me how that person had become a member and what they had done together in the past. This comforted me very much. While I was working in the restaurant, Father sometimes brought Mr. Aum and Mr. Kim there to visit me. Father continuously shared the truth with them. To see Mr. Aum and hear his background really encouraged me and gave me hope. By this simple act, I had much hope and felt as though I now had a large family.
Whenever Father came to visit me, he never mentioned anything to me about his personal situation; he always wore a big smile and spoke to me so warmly, treating me so affectionately. (In April) Father had no place to stay, so he would go to the harbor to work on the docks. That winter, the nights were very cold, so Father sometimes worked all night instead of sleeping; during the day, when the sun was shining, it was warm enough for Father to sleep under the porch of some house. He had no blanket; he just slept in the clothes he was wearing. Sometimes he had to work all day and all night as well. (After working all night, Father would often go to the hills and pray or meditate all day, praying for the salvation of the world.)
When we look at Father, we have to see beyond his external appearance and look for his background and the process he had to go through in order to come before us. When he came to visit me at work, he never said anything about how he was working day and night and how he had nothing to eat.
When Father brought someone with him to the restaurant, I would go to my boss and tell him that my respected teacher had come with a guest and ask if I could offer them dinner. So the owner would give me permission to serve them food. The first time Father came, the restaurant opened a private inner room for him and set up a table where he could eat by himself. I brought him rice and other dishes. Wanting to give Father a lot to eat, I pressed a lot of rice into the bowl and piled even more on top of it, but Father ate it almost instantly. I brought another bowl of rice, but soon discovered that it too was empty. Only in that way did I realize that Father was going through hungry times. So I resolved that from then on, every time I met Father I would have some food prepared for him. Still, in front of me, Father never said he wanted to eat or never requested a certain kind of food. This is still Father's attitude.
(Beginning in May, Father and Mr. Kim lived in a boarding house for about four months.) At that time, Pusan was the only city in Korea which was not occupied by the military. Many, many refugees had congregated there, and living space was scarce. If you had a room to yourself or with friends, you were considered very lucky. For a time, Father and I shared a room that was barely big enough for two or three people to sleep in side by side, and even then, it was impossible to stretch out full length. Often Mr. Aum came to be with us and would spend the night. He was unable to lie down completely, but would just rest leaning against the wall.
Regardless of how many responsibilities and difficulties and suffering Father goes through, he never expresses them in front of us. He always maintains a constant attitude and seeks to comfort us. Thus, we have to intuit Father's situation. Even though he may not express his needs, we have to try to understand them and prepare to meet them. This is the kind of attitude of attendance that Father expects us to develop.
Even God never reveals His difficulties or weak points to Father, but Father knows God's situation and suffering very well, without needing to be told. Therefore, Father has always devoted himself to comforting God. So while we are passing through difficulties or suffering, when our children or our brothers or sisters intuit them and try to comfort us, our hearts are deeply moved and tears come to our eyes. Likewise, Heavenly Father will also be moved to tears when we understand His situation and try to bring comfort to Him. Father knows God's situation and has always comforted and encouraged Heavenly Father; therefore, Heavenly Father must have cried so many times because of our True Father.
After seeing Father eat so ravenously, I have always tried to feel his internal situation, even though he never talked about it. Even without asking Father, I try to serve him according to the situation I feel he is in.
Before our escape from North Korea, I had looked upon Father as a kind of super being. I didn't think he felt hunger or pain; I considered him such a special person that I assumed he was immune to hunger or pain or other human feelings. I suppose you used to think about Jesus in a similar way.
One day, during our journey from the North, I told Father, "I didn't realize you had the same feelings as ordinary people. If I had been one of Jesus' followers two thousand years ago, I might have felt the same about him, and if he were hungry I might not have offered him any food to eat. I would have supposed he never needed food, and maybe because of me he would have died of starvation."
We are apt to think that people in a high or noble position are special and don't feel hunger as we do. Leaders, compared to members, are in a higher position. But if both leaders and members fast for three days, do only the members feel hunger and the leaders not?
Consider another example: the difference in content between a child saying, "I'm hungry," and the parents saying, "I'm hungry." When children are hungry, they voice their pangs, without considering whether their parents or other people are also hungry. When the child complains of hunger, the father or mother will first feed him, and after the child is satisfied, the parents will eat. Thus, when parents say they are hungry, that means they must be hungrier than their child.
How can you distinguish between people who are on the individual level from those on the national or worldwide level? Somebody on the individual level considers others just as individuals, but someone on the national level cannot regard another person as only one individual, but as a representative of the nation. So when someone on the national level looks at a beggar, he sees not just one beggar but a symbol of national deprivation. In a similar way, when someone on the worldwide level looks at an individual, he sees him as a representative of the world; if he sees a sick person, for instance, he reflects on the illness of the people of the world. In other words, he sees the world situation embodied in me person, whom he regards as a representative of the world. Anyone who can see from this point of view can truly be called a worldwide-level person.
Take the common situation of someone whose feelings have been hurt; how deeply the injured person feels pain depends on his level. If we offend a person who is on the worldwide level, the pain he feels is enormously greater than that which a person on the individual level feels. So think about the difference in feeling between a member being hurt and a leader, or even Father, being hurt. If we hurt a leader, his wound is less easily healed than that of a member. If people hurt Father, the effects are very difficult to remedy. The converse is true as well: the degree of joy a person can feel varies with his level. Suppose an apple is given to a member, a leader, or Father. Even though the apple is the same, the amount of joy it can produce will vary according to the level of the recipient.
Jesus said in Matt. 10:41-42: "He who receives a prophet because he is a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward, and he who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whoever gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly I say to you, he shall not lose his reward." Thus, the action may be the same, but its effect in spirit world will vary according to the level of the heart.
Father made plans to build a house on the hillside of Pom Net Kol (in the Pom Il Dong area of Pusan), where he used to go for prayer and meditation. Therefore, whenever he went climbing he would collect stones, large and small, for the house. On Sundays, when I had a day off, I would help him collect material.
In the Korean folk religion, shamanism, people would often collect stones from their travels and place them in piles along a mountain path. Adding a stone to such a pile was like making a wish or expressing a hope. Sometimes, on special days, village people would bring food and worship at these stone cairns. Most modern Koreans, who no longer believe in shamanism, would not disturb these piles of stones, both out of respect for the feelings of those who placed the stones there and out of superstition that some misfortune might befall them for doing so. Even people who did not believe in spirit world, then, would not generally disturb the piles of stones, which had been accumulating for hundreds or perhaps thousands of years. But from even such places, Father gathered stones for his house.
Not only did we collect stones, but also we brought soil from different hills in the area. The proposed site for Father's house was very rough and uneven, so earth was needed to level the foundation. About 200-300 meters away, we dug out dirt and carried it in sacks over our shoulders to the site. I would dig and Father would carry the soil, and then we would switch around, and I would carry while Father dug. When it was Father's turn to carry, he would go and return very quickly, but when it was my turn, I would walk more slowly and take a rest after emptying the bag. Still, Father never asked me why I took so long; he just concentrated on digging more ground. Of course, he must have become tired too, but he never showed it, and his unceasing activity stimulated me very much.
The place where Father planned to build his house was near a cemetery. Except for one house a small distance away, there were no neighbors, because people said that many years ago a white tiger had appeared there, and thus they regarded the place as somewhat dangerous.
It was during the 1951 rainy season (late summer) when Father began to build the house. The first and second try, he did not succeed, but on the third attempt, he finished the house. (They moved there in September.) Actually, it was nothing more than a shack. The roof was made of cardboard, and when it rained it would leak. On a clear night, we could see the stars through the holes overhead.
Near Father's house was an old spring, which Father dug out and enlarged in order to make a good well. The people who lived in the village at the foot of the hill heard about the well with good spring water and the two young men who lived in a shack beside it, so when they came up the hill to draw water, they were very curious about us; they observed that we were sincere, and the rumor spread that these two young men were good.
In the only other house nearby lived a refugee family. Father used to play with their little boy and let him stay in the house with him. Father would feed the child and tell him many interesting stories, so the boy really loved Father. Then when he returned home, he would tell his parents wonderful things about Father, giving his family a good impression of Father. The boy's father was a Buddhist and unaware of many aspects of Christianity. He really enjoyed drinking, so as a token of gratitude for Father's kindness towards his son, one day the neighbor brought Father a bottle of alcoholic beverage as a present. Father used to cook for himself, so the little boy's mother would sometimes come over and help Father prepare meals. So we and the neighbors became very close.
The rice available in those days was not high quality; it contained many small stones and needed to be washed with care many times over. The rice you can buy now is free of stones, but that kind was not available then. Although housewives washed their rice many times over, sometimes they would miss some small stones; but when Father washed the rice, not a single stone remained. Therefore, even experienced housewives could learn from Father. Also, how well rice is cooked depends upon the amount of water used and the control of the temperature, and Father was an expert at this as well. Usually when you put a large pot of rice on the fire, the bottom gets cooked well, the middle medium well, and the top underdone. Now there are electric rice cookers, so you don't need to think of these details.
I am telling you this because Father said that wherever he goes, he can adjust himself to those circumstances; if he goes to a coal mine, for instance, he can become an excellent miner, if he goes to a farm, an expert farmer.
Almost all of the first manuscript of Principle was written by Father, almost all of it in the house he built. While living with Mr. Kim he began the task.
As soon as he woke up in the morning, Father would start writing, and after he had written a few pages, I would read them back to him, and he would make corrections and additions. We did this every day for a few days.
While I was at work, Father wrote. (He would write in his notebook extremely fast. One person sitting beside him would sharpen pencils as he wrote, but he could never keep up with Father's writing speed.) When Father had an idea which he wanted to include in the book, he would jot it down on some part of the wall or ceiling of the house. Father also insisted that I keep everything very orderly in our room, so we could readily find anything we needed, even in the dark. Father would climb the hill before daybreak, and sometimes he would wake me up to accompany him. He would tell me to stay at one place and pray while he went farther along to another rock to pray.
Once, very early in the morning, Father woke me up and told me to light the lamp and prepare paper and pencils. Except for that one lamp, everything was dark. Father instructed me to write down what he was going to say, and then he dictated the chapter about the second coming.
Father didn't stop until he had finished the entire chapter. Usually an author will write down a portion and read it over, reflect on it, and make corrections before going on. But Father dictated without a pause and finished the whole chapter in one sitting. It seemed to me as if Father were reading aloud from a book, since he spoke without stopping, from beginning to end. The rest of the first manuscript of Principle Father himself wrote, but that portion was dictated to me, so it is in my handwriting instead of his. I am telling you this in order to give you a glimpse of how Father wrote the original Divine Principle book.
I used to wonder why I was supposed to write that part. Now I realize that if Father had written everything himself, no one would have been able to understand how he discovered and wrote Principle. If Father hadn't asked me to write it down, I could never have been able to testify about how he wrote Principle.
When Father moved to another house, he continued writing other parts of Principle, parts which are not yet known by the members. In other words, the complete contents of Principle have not yet been revealed to us. Of course, we know the basic ideas, but some of the more practical aspects, such as how to build the ideal society in a realistic way, have not yet been explained.
After finishing his initial manuscript of the Principle, Father told me he wanted to get a job where I was working. I was shocked at this and felt sorry that Father should work. I wanted to work so he could be free to do other things. I was working as a painter's assistant at the U.S. Army compound, and there I was able to get a job for Father doing carpentry work. Sometimes I had to work late, so when Father finished his job, he would come to where I was working and stay by my side until I was ready to go home. Then we would return to the house together. Father kept this job for about one month.
One day I drew a small picture, and when Father saw it he suggested that I practice drawing for a few days. One of my co-workers at the Army base was also a painter, and for extra money he would make paintings from photos American soldiers brought him of their wives or families. While he was moonlighting in this way, I did the extra work he was unable to finish. He felt bad about this, so he offered to let me try to make some extra money by helping him do paintings.
The first order he gave me was a photo of a black girl. Until that time I had never in my life seen a black person. Because it was a black and white photograph, I was completely at a loss about what color to tint her face in the painting. After trying really hard for four hours, I finally finished a small picture. With uncertainty, I brought the picture to work the next day, thinking that I would have succeeded if my co-worker was happy with it, even though he might not think it was good enough to pay for. To my surprise, he really like the portrait and said I was very good. He not only paid me more than I expected but gave me more orders. Then I turned professional.
I noticed that the more people came to Father's small church, the more work I received to help support it. Doing pictures was only a sideline to my employment at the Army base, and after work, I brought my orders back to the church and painted there. By the time I finished, it would often be ten or eleven at night.
Soon I discovered that before I returned from work, Father had already bought all the necessary art supplies and made all the preparations for me -- fixing the paints, laying out brushes and paper. Father never left me to work alone, but he always sat right beside me, from beginning to end, never taking his eyes off my work but concentrating on it with me. When I finished, I would be very tired and I usually went right to sleep. The next morning I would find everything all cleaned up and the paintings that I had made all neatly cut and rolled up so they would be easy to carry. Father would remind me to take them and hand them to me as I left for work.
I usually set out around seven or eight in the morning and returned around six in the evening. While I was working Father was at home writing Principle, meditating, shopping, doing domestic chores, witnessing and teaching. Sometimes it took a while to get orders, and I would be late coming home. On those evenings, Father was always waiting outside the house, standing by the path, worried that something might have happened to me.
If I was ever at a loss about which color to use, Father always had a suggestion. Later, when more and more orders came, I would draw just the person and Father himself would fill in the background, in such a way as to add to the whole image. As time went on, I would do only the faces and Father would paint in the clothing as well as the background. Then Father even began to add details such as the hair. That meant that we could do up to 15 or 20 pictures a night. We were never short of orders, and between the two of us, we could always manage. That meant, however, that we would sometimes work until one or two in the morning, and I remember once working until about three or four a.m. To finish the first picture took me four hours, but finally, with practice and Father's help, we reduced the time to about 25 minutes.
Someone who is really immersed in his work doesn't feel tired, but a person who just watches hour after hour gets sleepy. When I was working, Father could have done something else or encouraged me to rest afterwards, but he never did. Instead, he watched me and studied how I handled all the elements of the image. At the time, I would have expected him to become sleepy after spending so many hours watching. I would get tired, but looking at Father and realizing that he must be even more tired than I was helped me carry on.
On occasion, members would come to see Father while we worked. One old woman came to visit, but Father was so busy that he didn't pay much attention to her. She was tired, so she lay down and was about to fall asleep. Father asked her how she could sleep lying down when others were working so hard, and suggested instead that she doze leaning against the wall.
Sometimes in the middle of the night I would be awakened by sobbing or singing. I was tired and couldn't make out what it was, but later I found out that Father was not asleep but on his knees, crying and singing in his prayer.
When the end of the month came around and I was paid, I would bring my earnings to Father. The first thing Father would buy with the money was one month's supply of rice for the whole family, next wood for fuel and kerosene for the lamps. Then he would buy dried fish and soy sauce. I could eat at the mess hall in the army compound, so meals were no problem for me, but Father had to cook all his meals himself. He would eat only rice and one side dish per meal.
Before the month was over, however, Father would often run out of money. I could easily guess how Father had spent the month. Often people who heard about him and his insights would come to visit -- given people who were very learned and had spent up to 30 years going to the mountains to meditate and pray deeply. Usually they were very poor and had no means of earning money, so when they came, Father would treat them to food and give them transportation money. In such ways, the money would soon be gone.
One morning Father very apologetically told me there was no more money. He told me in detail how the money had been spent, the name of each person to whom he had given money and the amount they had received. Very clearly and precisely he accounted for each detail of the money he used. He seemed to feel so sorry about having spent the money, and 1, on my part, felt rather bad, since I supposed he was explaining in such detail in order to allay any questions I might have had about what he had done with the money. To give Father the money I earned through fundraising filled me with such joy, because he always took good care of how the money was spent, and that made it possible for many more people to come to the church.
I worried that Father felt my faith was weak and needed bolstering through many explanations. But my attitude was that of making a total offering, so it was up to Father how he used the money.
So, if you are a center leader, what kind of attitude should you have when you send members out fundraising? Actually, Father felt sorry that instead of himself, a member had to work so hard to bring money to be used for God's will. The money was for God, so Father wanted to clarify in front of heaven how it was spent for God's will.
The entire time I was painting pictures, Father was either working with me or staying by my side, constantly supporting me. Through this attitude of his, I could understand that he wasn't just making me fundraise, but was working side by side with me, and as a result, he didn't feel indebted to me. Of course, I had my responsibility as a member and Father had his responsibility as Father, and the two responsibilities were different, but still he never left me alone; he was always at my side helping me fulfill my responsibility as a member.
With this realization, I started appreciating Father's concern about my working to support the church. I continued this painting for about three and a half years. Even though there were many members, I was the only source of income, and I was grateful for Father's thoughtfulness, which made me want to work harder in order to earn more money, knowing that Father would take care that it was used for the highest purpose. I could work and forget about the money that came in, but Father could not. He was always concerned about spending it in the best way.
After writing the first manuscript of Principle, Father began to witness. He told us that he felt so anxious to see new members come and join. In his heart burned an intense longing for members to come.
The first member to meet Father in Pusan and join was a Christian evangelist, Mrs. Hyun Shil Kang. She had heard about Father and his teachings, and in the summer of 1952, she came looking for him. It was difficult for her to believe that from such humble beginnings an ideal world could come about, but after many going through many struggles and having many spiritual experiences, she joined.
There were no training programs to prepare members for pioneer work in those days, but in July 1953, Father sent Mrs. Kang to Taegu as a pioneer. Can you imagine Father's heart, sending out a new member as a pioneer? We didn't have enough money to support pioneer work, but giving her just a little money, enough for one-way transportation, Father asked her to go to Taegu (the largest city between Pusan and Seoul) and pioneer there. She visited ministers, Christian leaders and friends to tell them about the Principle; she must have cried a lot, however, because she couldn't make any progress with them. Having been so moved by the Principle and feeling so much joy upon accepting it, Mrs. Kang expected that the others would feel the same great joy and excitement, but they did not.
Absolutely sure that Father had the truth, she kept witnessing with great earnestness, looking for a place to stay, convinced that she had to find someone who could understand and become a member. She was confidently searching for a person whom heaven had prepared.
One day as she was walking, her feet stopped and would not move forward. She knew then that someone whom heaven wanted her to contact must be living in the general area, and she decided to walk in search of that person. Then she met one housewife who had seen her in a dream the night before; in that dream, she was told that a guest missionary would come and that she should treat her with all possible care. Therefore, she and her family had made preparations for their expected guest. This was how the first member of the Taegu church was found. Because of God's guidance and blessing, her pioneer witnessing progressed very well. (She has been a faithful member all these years and is now living in Seoul.)
The first Christian minister to follow Father was Rev. Yo Han Lee, a man very well versed in the Bible and deeply interested in spiritual phenomena. He had a good many followers in Pusan, and some people believed he was the lord of the second coming. From somebody, he heard about Father and that what he was teaching was very good, so in late 1952 he came to visit Father. The day he arrived, Father gave him some money and asked him to go to the market to buy some groceries. This was a shock to Rev. Lee, because he was a distinguished Christian minister and Father was treating him as if he were a young member. But he obeyed Father's request and went shopping. Through this experience he realized that Father was no ordinary person. Later he listened to Principle, accepted it and followed Father. In August 1953, Rev. Lee was also sent to Taegu to do pioneer missionary work. He and Mrs. Kang experienced success in their work, and they would come back and give reports to Father. (Thus, he and Mrs. Kang are the ancestors of witnessing. One of the 36 blessed couples, Rev. Lee is now in charge of our church's theological seminary and training center in Korea.)
Another woman who became a member in Pusan had known Father when he was a student many years earlier. At a prayer meeting at which she and Father both were present, the minister asked Father to pray, and she was so moved and excited by his prayer that she went to shake hands with him. She had led a profoundly religious life for more than 20 years and had received much grace from God. Now, many years after that prayer meeting, she met Father on the streets of Pusan, and he brought her to the shack which was the church at the time. Even though by then she was a grandmother and Father a grown man, she still looked upon him as the young student she had known.
A woman of deep faith, when she prayed about something, heaven always answered her almost right away. Father told her to go and pray, asking God whom heaven loved more -- all mankind or one individual, Sun Myung Moon. This took her completely by surprise. She didn't think it was right to pray that kind of prayer, but she knew that this was no ordinary man and that he was sincere in what he had told her, so she decided to go ahead with it.
That night she went to her usual place of prayer, on a hilltop, and prayed very sincerely all through the night, focusing on what Father had told her. To her surprise, God responded, "I love Sun Myung Moon more than all of mankind together." So she reported back to Father exactly what the answer had been.
Then Father gave her another topic for prayer: ask heaven whom God loves more, Jesus Christ or Sun Myung Moon. These were the strongest words she could possibly have heard, and feeling very reluctant to ask such a question in prayer, she returned home without carrying out Father's suggestion. But soon she started feeling sick, and she sensed that she could not dismiss it lightly. Moreover, she remembered that God had told her He loved Reverend Moon more than all mankind; she had clearly heard the answer herself. She thought it over and concluded that perhaps this second prayer was not so unreasonable and thus she should go ahead with it.
When she prayed, a vision came as her answer. Father and Jesus were standing before her, and God Himself, who had led and nurtured her and loved her so much, was there in spirit, standing between them. This God whom she knew so well started moving toward Father in the vision, approaching closer and closer, and then faded into him and disappeared. This woman joined and has been faithful to Father; now in Seoul, she is very old but is still strong and well.
Many people would come to visit Father: former acquaintances, people who had joined in Pyongyang or Seoul, refugees from the North, and people who had heard he was living in Pusan. Father would often take them to a small hill near where we lived. At other times Father would go to the hills to meditate all alone. In the beginning, Father went to the hill near his house, but later he began going to more distant, higher hills, sometimes taking members with him for meditation or teaching. When Mr. Aum came, Father would have him sing for many hours. If the New Hope Singers had been with Father in those days, they would have had to sing from morning to night! Father really loved listening to Mr. Aum sing, and he would often have him sing almost the entire day. During 1951, Father wrote the holy song, "Suffering Heart."
When the members were away, Father always missed them very much, more than if they had been his own sons and daughters; and because of his love, the members also missed him, especially when they were not free to visit the church whenever they wanted. He missed the members so much that if they didn't come for some time, he would go to visit their home, just as he had done in his Pyongyang days. He was always longing for the members to come.
A fire burned in the heart of each of the members. In the summer, we would often go up to the mountain aid meditate, sometimes holding all-night prayer vigils there. When members had questions, they would go to the mountain and pray, and God would give them answers. Day and night meetings would continue.
From morning to night, many guests came and listened to Divine Principle. Even though our house was so small and miserable, it was a free place which we could use as we liked. After hearing Principle, people would go up to the mountains to meditate. Many people who visited the church and listened to the Principle accepted and joined. Just as in Pyongyang, people received so many blessings from God that at night they wouldn't want to leave the church and return to their homes, so we built a small tent in the garden where people could stay and pray all night.
In Korea at that time -- and probably in many other countries -- women were generally more religious than men. In happy cases, a woman would come to the church, stay there all day and even into the night. Then her husband would become interested in what was going on at the church, come and listen to the Principle, and wholeheartedly accept it. In other cases, however, the wife who came to the church would neglect her domestic responsibilities and cause resentment among her family, or her husband would visit the church for a while and then become negative.
There was a certain pattern by which members were restored: first, they heard some kind of rumor about the church, then came and visited it, listened to Principle and accepted it. Feeling resurrected, they would remain for hours on end at the church, even spending the night there. As a result, opposition would develop. This pattern from Pyongyang was repeated in Pusan. Actually, this happened not just to our church, but to any religious group in its pioneer period. Thus, there two types of early members: those who joined but gave up their faith because of persecution, and those whose faith and devotion were strengthened by the persecution.
One old lady who had joined Father's church in North Korea and visited him in prison several times (Grandmother Oak) had taken refuge in Pusan because of the war. She was from a very strong Presbyterian home, and her family was firmly opposed to her coming to the church, so she had to stay at home most of the time. Still, she was occasionally able to sneak out and come to see Father. Father longed to see her and visit with her, and one day, hoping to at least catch a glimpse of her, Father stood all day near her house, thinking that at some point she would have to come out onto the tiny balcony where wash was hung out to dry. From morning to evening he waited until finally he saw the old lady's back. Without being aware of it, she had been drawn out onto the little porch, where Father could see her. Although she did not see him, Father was satisfied, and he returned home. If you leaders have such a longing heart for your members, they too will be drawn to you. If you have a similar longing for your home church members, you wouldn't be able to stay away from them, and they would never forget you.
At that time, this lady was responsible for the domestic affairs of her family, cooking for her children and grandchildren. In those days, there were no electric stoves; women had to build a fire in wood stoves and cook that way. One day, soon after the time Father waited all day to catch sight of her, she was putting the wood inside the stove when suddenly her hand started to shake. This was a spiritual phenomenon, in which she could not control the movements of her hand. Her family thought she had gone mad, but her mind was very clear. While her hand was moving, she heard a voice from heaven scold her, "Why are you here? Your messiah and lord is really suffering at this time. Do you think I called you to make rice for your family?" Explaining that Father was suffering and needed help, God suggested that she go and help him.
Her relatives tried very hard to stop her hand from shaking, but to no avail. So she told them that God had instructed her to go to Mr. Moon and help him. The family had been opposed to our church, but now they were worried that if she continued in such a condition, she would die. Thinking it would be better for her to go to the church than to die, they decided to send her to the church. Immediately after they made that decision, her hand stopped moving uncontrollably, and she was more free to come to help Father.
One elderly woman who had joined in Pyongyang and followed Father to Pusan, sometimes made trouble for Father. One day Father told her, "If you repeat that act, you will not speak." And one day when she was very troublesome, suddenly she was unable to speak. After a while, when her heart became repentful, she started to speak again. She still lives in the Korean church. Thus it is clear that if Father wants to perform miracles, he can. Jesus Christ did not mean to perform miracles in the beginning, but he did so because the people were so faithless and did not believe his words. In John 10:25-26, Jesus said, "1 told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name, they bear witness to me; but you do not believe." However, no one became Jesus' disciple just because of miracles, so we can conclude that man grows spiritually through the Principle, not through miracles.
I want to tell you about some of my mistakes, so you can learn from them. Even though I was living with Father, I didn't always spend time with him every day. (On other occasions, Rev. Kim has explained how there was one person who came to study Principle with whom he did not get along. Rev. Kim felt this person was not so sincere, perhaps. One day when Father showed this person a lot of attention and care, Rev. Kim became upset and wouldn't talk to Father.) I didn't speak to Father even once that day. Father tried to speak to me, but 1 did not respond to him. Over and over, Father said, "You have to speak to me, please speak to me." But I refused to answer. After Father repeated this to me over and over, in my heart I felt very sorry, but my pride prevented me from answering him. Finally, Father began to cry, pleading with me, "Please speak." Because Father was crying, I was moved and I also began to cry. Then I could speak to him.
Father listened to what I had to say and then told me, "If you have a problem or feel bad about something, don't hold it inside you for more than three hours; you must solve it within three hours."
I think that you also have problems sometimes, but try to solve them within three hours. A bigger problem should be solved within at least three days. In counseling members, I discovered some members who have nursed resentments for more than ten years.
The same applies in physical matters. When you are wounded, if you receive treatment immediately, you can easily recover, but if you leave the wound unattended for a long time, a scar will remain on your body. Similarly, if you are wounded spiritually and are not cured promptly, although the wound will eventually heal, a scar remains on your spirit body.
Another mistake I made: Usually I began drawing right after returning home from work, but one night, I don't remember why, I tried to go to bed without doing any portraits. Father told me, "You can go to bed after you finish your drawing," but I didn't accept Father's opinion. Then Father told me over and over, "First you have to finish, and then you may go to bed." But still I didn't follow his instructions. Then Father went to bed before I did. We were staying in the same small room, but even though Father was lying down, that didn't mean he was sleeping. Before going to bed, Father had urged me very earnestly many times to finish the drawings, thus when he went to bed before me, his attitude meant, "You can do what you like." In other words, Father let me do as I felt best. That made me feel very repentful, so I began working on the paintings and kept at it until I finished.
Such a thing would never have happened when I was in Pyongyang, but in Pusan, when I began living very closely with Father, my attitude towards him became somewhat -habitual, and I lost my carefulness in attending him. My attendance became somewhat lazy and routine, although I was not immediately aware of the change.
You are probably interested in knowing why Father's first wife could not follow him. When Father married her (in 1945), he told her to learn various skills with which she could earn money, since much could happen on the way of God's providence. For example, he said, perhaps they would have to be apart for a while. At that time, however, he couldn't speak about God's word, even to his wife.
Father and his wife lived in Seoul, and their first son Sung Jin Nim, was born in April 1946. In June, on his way to the store to buy food for his family, Father was told by God to go to Pyongyang, and he left without saying goodbye to anybody. It was shortly after World War II was over, and there was a shortage of food, and for many days his wife waited without food for him to return.
If you study Principle, you can understand Father's characteristics. He is very heartistic, but at the same time very logical. Father himself understood quite clearly his wife's feelings, and he knew that if he said nothing to her, she would worry about him; still he could do nothing about it.
We can see from Father's experience that to follow God's way is very severe.
If his wife had had relatives nearby or somebody to whom she could turn for help, Father would not have worried so much about her, but she had no one, and once he received the revelation, Father had to follow it. Most people would have had difficulty in following such a direction, but Father obeyed absolutely.
For five years, his wife lived without knowing whether her husband was alive or dead. She did all a woman could do in those days and overcame all difficulties with the one hope that some day she would be able to meet her beloved husband. She rented one room, and in order to support herself and her child, she had to do some kind of business, so she would take small items and sell them on the street corners.
In the United States, houses are somewhat separated from one another, but Korean houses are very close. Her greatest difficulty was people's curiosity about her situation. When a young woman lived alone with a baby and no husband ever appeared, the neighbors, especially the grandmothers, would start asking questions Taking sympathy on her suffering situation, they would recommend some good man to her and urge her to get married. Thus, she had to move around frequently, not spending more than six months in any one place. If some man had become interested in her and asked for her hand inn marriage, she would have been placed in an even more difficult situation.
For years this was her lifestyle, constantly on the move, without knowing when or whether her husband would return. It would have been much easier had a time limit been fixed, but she had no idea how long she would have to wait. She lived in hope, in the midst of hopeless circumstances, with a deep longing to see her husband again in the future. Even though she and Father had lived together just a short time, she could understand that her husband was really an excellent person, and she was awaiting his return. A woman of very deep faith, she strengthened her heart in the midst of all these difficulties by attending church.
Although after World War II Korea was divided at the 38th parallel, people still came and went between North and South, and Father's wife heard that he had been imprisoned in North Korea. What worried her most was the reason given for Father's imprisonment: disturbing the social order. A rumor gets exaggerated with each telling, and it is always worse than the truth. What she heard was so distorted that she didn't believe it; knowing and respecting him so much, she had total faith in him. She made a real effort not to pay attention to the rumor, but she must have struggled very much internally.
When the Korean War broke out, rumor had it that Father was sent to the mines and killed there. The situation became really confused, and she could no longer stay in her house. Through her contacts among the Christian churches, she was able to find some place in which to hide. Imagine her difficult situation, hearing such rumors and having to persevere and support herself and her child!
When Father escaped from prison and arrived in Pyongyang, he sent word of his whereabouts to his wife, who was then living in Seoul. She received this information, but by then to cross the 38th parallel was very difficult, so even though she had received the news, she could not go to see Father. After release from prison, Father first began looking for the members, and when suddenly everyone had to flee Pyongyang, there was no time to look for his own family. Even when he did escape, he brought Mr. Pak with him, taking care of members, as always, even under such a dangerous situation. Then when he arrived in Pusan, Father first looked up previous members and built a house. Only later did he look for his wife. In other words, Father first took care of the members and then thought about his family.
Finally, after so many hardships, she received news that Father had escaped and was alive and well. What happy news it was for her! Overjoyed by the news, she came down to Pusan to see him, bringing their five-year-old son. During these five years, the boy had often asked where his father was, but his mother always told him, "Your father is alive, and he is a really great father."
Put yourself into her situation. She began searching for Father's house, following the directions she was given. She climbed up the hill, passing many houses, but none of them was Father's. Up and up she went, finding fewer and fewer houses. The higher she climbed, the more humble the houses became. Finally, she reached the cemetery and beside it saw a small miserable hut. She didn't mind at all, because her whole heart was filled with the expectation of at last meeting her husband again, after five long years.
What Father's wife found upon arrival was not just Father but also many strangers. Actually, we didn't know Father had a family. Father was in the midst of giving a Principle lecture to a couple of guests. Standing outside the house, she called Father's name. Can you imagine his reaction? If I had been in that situation, I would have rushed out to embrace her, but Father was very calm and quiet; he opened the door, went out, saw her and invited her in. After five years of separation, to see each other again must have been a dramatic moment, but Father resumed his lecture. Those who were listening to Father's words stayed on until very late at night. Father could have said, "My wife and son have come to visit me after five years; this is a special situation, so could you leave early?" But he didn't. Also Father's wife could have said, "I've finally met my husband again after five years, and I want to have some time with him " But she didn't express any feelings about the situation, even though Father treated her this way. If either Father or his wife had said something, we could have understood and acted accordingly.
I am sorry to say that I was not mature enough to comprehend Father's family situation, and I did not offer to spend the night in another place. That night, I had to draw portraits as usual, and Father, as usual, helped me. Also, when we had to sleep in the same room, since there was only one room in the house, and besides, there was not enough bedding to go around, so we had to share it. This was the situation for one, two, three months.
For those early members who had been searching for truth and at last met Father and found the truth through him, their time with Father was so precious. They forgot about their families, wanting only to stay as long as possible with him. They felt fine, but think about Father's wife and son. Most wives want time to spend with their husband and children.
If you are an unmarried center leader, you can spend most of your time attending to your members. But after you start your family, when members come and occupy a lot of the time which you could have spent with your wife and children, how will they feel? If your family doesn't appreciate the time you spend with the members, how will the members respond?
Leaders continually visit Father and seek advice from him. If True Mother did not have an attitude of heart and love for them, it would be very difficult for her to accept Father's lifestyle. If True Mother and True Children resented people coming to visit Father, in time their attitude would discourage us from coming. Without unity between husband and wife, it is very difficult to lead a center.
In the beginning, Father's first wife said nothing, but as more guests came to see Father, gradually she began to feel lonely. Father was such a nice person and so good to the guests; as a result, they didn't leave but came ever more frequently. She began to get fed up seeing the guests, and they came to realize that she was not happy to see them. Observing the situation, she concluded that if it continued, she could never enjoy any private family life with Father.
Eventually the members began to intuit her feelings, so they decided to meet somewhere else. Only I still stayed with Father. Still, she couldn't be happy as long as I was there sleeping with them. She had thought that if the members met somewhere else, her time with Father would be undisturbed. But on the contrary, Father spent most of his time there, returning home only very late at night. Then she began to have doubts about Father and wondered whether some of the negative rumors she had heard might be true.
Therefore, she visited our new location and tried to make the members leave. So they had to look for new meeting places. However, as soon as she discovered a new location, she would come and try to chase them away. In this way, our meeting place changed several times.
She had deeply respected Father, and it would have been better had she been able to follow Father completely. However, she thought that the members were creating the gulf between her and Father. If the members at that time -- myself included -- had understood Father's family situation better, we would have left earlier and they would have had more time together. I feel really sorry that we were not more perceptive, for then the situation might not have gotten so bad.
One time, Father's wife even brought a policeman to separate Father from the members. Of course, the police could find no reason to intervene, so even then she was unable to separate Father from the members.
Father spoke to his wife very gently and very kindly, and he often talked to her about what her attitude should be. At one point, she apologized to Father for what she had done to him and offered to work together, making a new determination. They began to live together again, and the members returned.
When she really repented before Father and united with him, many more members came and joined the family, in greater numbers than before. We bought a new house and moved there (in January 1953). Those who had drifted away because of her opposition gradually returned and joined. As before, people received so many blessings from God that they didn't want to leave the church and go home.
Father's wife took responsibility for managing church affairs, but the more members who came to see Father, the more difficult it became for her to have personal time to spend with him. Again, she could not feel happy when members came to visit, so the old resentments returned. She thought her only solution was to drive the members away. Thus, the situation became very difficult, and fewer members came to the church.
Father's first wife had to decide whether to choose the way of God and sacrifice her own happiness, or not. This was the most difficult barrier she had to overcome. Father -- and Heavenly Father as well -- really wanted her to gain the victory. But she could not. To begin with, she disliked the members, then gradually she came to feel dislike towards Father, although Father tried hard to get her to change her heart.
The closer we approach Father physically, the more careful we should become. From history we can learn that those who make the biggest mistakes are those who were nearest to the central figure, not the ones who were the farthest away. This applies to those of you who are leaders as well; the members who are closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most. Your closest friends and family members are those who can most deeply wound you.
With the situation in Seoul becoming more stable, people began to move back to the capital. Some of the members and their families also moved to Seoul. In doing so, our members were in part following the current trend in the country and in part reacting to the resentment which Father's wife held against them. On September 17, 1953, Father also moved to Seoul.
When Father finished his ministry in Pusan and moved to Seoul, I stayed behind in Pusan. When we were living together very closely, Father told me, "I am now together with you, but don't think that this will continue forever; in the future we will be separated. Now we share meals and do things together, but these times won't last as long as you may expect them to." Still, I could never imagine any future separation. But finally the time came to be separated. Then I recognized that Father's heart is always with the members, and his feeling towards the members never changes.
When we lived together, we ate together, worked together; if I came back late from work, Father was waiting outside to welcome me home. Father's heart was always directed to me as a member. The same heart continues even when we are physically apart, for Father's love never changes. Now there is often a physical distance between me and Father, but whenever I walk down the street, I imagine Father walking along with me. Whatever I do, I imagine Father with me, doing the same thing as I am doing.
When I was drawing portraits, Father was always beside me, caring for me in my work. When I came home from my job, Father would always ask me, "Do you feel lonely? Are you okay?" I always remember those days.
Now Father is inside me. Father inside me asks me, "Are you tired? Are you okay?" And I answer him, "I'm okay. I can do it." The first time I saw Father after his release from prison, he held my hand. So now, when I clasp my hands, I imagine that one hand is Father holding mine.
We are apt to think that in order to feel Father with us always, we have to be physically together with him. But even though our last chance to meet Father may have been three years -- or even ten years -- ago, we can always feel that he is with us. We have to recall our times together and change our concept of being with Father.
When I was close to Father, sometimes I forgot his true value and occasionally made mistakes in attending him. But through these experiences I learned how. There are some analogies in our physical body. Inhaling and exhaling are vital body functions, but we are seldom conscious of them; maybe only several times in our entire life do we think much about breathing. Also, if you place your hand very close to your eyes, your eyes cannot tell clearly what it is; likewise, the eye cannot clearly perceive distant objects.
Therefore, when we attend Father closely, we have to set a certain distance between ourselves and him, in order to see him. On the other hand, when we are far away, we need to find some way to shorten the distance.
The same thing could be said for of the relationship between husband and wife; if they are too close, they may not see the true value of each other. Also, if members are too close to the leader, he may not see their true value -- perhaps not until they are about to leave the family. Therefore, leaders need to control the distance between themselves and their members, in order to understand their members better.
Physical proximity to True Parents does not automatically guarantee a deep understanding. Members overseas may feel closer in heart to True Parents than New York members. But when you do have a chance to be physically close to True Parents, you should cherish that memory and retain it throughout your life. If Father comes to your country just once, don't consider it a one-time visit but think that he is always visiting your country and you. A visit is just one manifestation of his continuous presence with you.