The Words Of The Wildings
Learning God's Heart
by Victoria Wilding
Before joining STF I was called "holy" by other Second Generation. This is because I pushed myself to keep a high standard. However, as some people noticed, my efforts to maintain a high standard were not completely sincere. I just had blind faith with not much heart behind it. And living for several years isolated from other Second Generation, I depended too much on my vertical relationship with God, having not much horizontal give and take with other brothers and sisters. For example, during the Pure Love '97 tour I was scolded several times by some onnis [older sisters] for not being horizontal enough. And it was true. In a way, living in the fallen world, attending high school, I had built myself a wall of protection. I made it clear to all that I was pure and holy. But behind this wall was an unsure young girl, waiting to grow up.
My first 21 day fundraising condition was like the great big metal ball that demolishes old brick buildings. It smashed the wall I had built around my heart. Of course there was a lot of it left, but I felt more free to be myself. Some of my childish nature and fallen nature came out, but people noticed a change saying, "Vicky! You look brighter! You're laughing!" I could see more clearly where I was at and what I needed to change.
By the time it was God's Day, when everyone was gathered in Boulder, Colorado, I was reflecting back on 1997. My heart was feeling like a desert, empty and dry. I realized that although I had been maintaining a so-called "high standard" by reading Father's words every day and praying a lot, etc., it was as if I was forcing myself to do so and it was not coming from the sincere depths of my heart. So I made my determination for the year of 1998 'To love God and True Parents and to be able to do things because I love them and want to do it.' I feel God took my determination seriously because during the following months of witnessing, He gave me the opportunity to accomplish my goal.
At first, witnessing was like a duty. It was hard to find motivation within myself to go out and witness. Recognizing this, I set my internal goal to be desperate and earnestly tried to carry it out.
That is when I met Kenichi Nakanishi. From that moment, the battle had begun. I have never in my life invested so much effort into one person, but through it all I could become much closer to God's heart. For the first time, I could experience God's longing heart for His children. I shed tears of pain like those God did when central figures failed to fulfill their responsibilities and He had to go through the long and difficult process to find a new person. I shed tears of joy like those of a mother at the time of birth. And I shed tears of repentance for following so far behind our True Parents. In short, witnessing to Ken was as much of a conversion experience for me as it was for him. I now feel the reality of the spirit world and can connect mom to Heavenly Father's parental shimjung. Also, I understand more deeply the significance of True Parents and die urgency to share our blessings with others.
To recount all my experiences on STF would take an entire book, but they are carved in my heart and I will remember them for eternity. I have learned and grown so much this past year, but of course my heart is still so small and my love and faith in God and True Parents is so shallow. So, with God's help I've been allowed to stay another year in STY I'm looking forward to this new challenge and I'm determined to win the future!
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