The Words of the Cisse Family
Let me first share what happened last night...
It was time to participate to the Holy Spirit service, and looked for it with anticipation.
Right prior to it, a person to person conversation about it came about, which I thought would last just a few minutes.
But it was not so. And more than that, the conversation, or more exactly, my undisponibility to listen made it impossible to hear what was happening, and not only did I end up confused and anxious, like each time I am aware to not understand what is being shared, but the feeling to have failed in one's eyes overwhelmed me...
The conversation over, my participation to the service became impossible. A while later, I attempted joining the chanting, but I couldn't let go in any way.
What was happening, I really wondered. Some are healed, some are moved to tears, some are inspired.
Nothing seemed to occur with me, except may-be the return of True Parents and true family members in my dreams quite often. But as a Pentecost, I really believed that it will come, in due time.
To offer the chanting is already a blessing in itself, really. It softens and heal the heart as substantially as hot pepper burns the mouth.
Then, I could begin to see what had happened: I believe that the Holy Spirit is welcoming my sincerity while participating to the services every day, and want to help me. But it seems that It is prevented to do so, my own doing. I believe what happened yesterday is already Its helping me, as the help needs be first thing first. And first thing first was to have a conversation apart the service.
It wants to help and heal me, but I don't believe deserving it, deserving that even God desires loving me.
And even though, I thought I was repenting, I was not deep inside, deep inside, deep inside.
I have not realized yet that it is a major sin, a major blaspheme to God may-be.
That thing about spotlight seems easy, but not at all after all.
The chanting does marvels, I am sure but, like Father said since the time of Danbury: it needs to empty old salt before filling in with new one. Jesus uses the same metaphor with wine.
As soon as I understood what had happened, peace set inside, yet life also, and again another sleepless night.
I so much want to love, not be loved.