The Words of the Neiland Family
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The Words of the Neiland Family |
We left from our three home countries believing the same word of God, and all with the desire to serve True Parents. We were full of joy, expectation, and determination to save people. However, it was not easy. At first, our only way to communicate was to pray (in our several languages) in front of True Parents' picture. It was a way to unite directly centering on God. But the Principle states that man's mind seeks joy. No matter how much we felt that we could unite centering on God, no one can understand how hard it is unless he experiences it firsthand. With no way to speak, there is no way to understand another's mind, heart, knowledge, or experiences.
The irony was that, although our desire to unite and understand each other was great, our difficulties seemed to be just as great; we faced challenges every day. In the beginning, we did not know if we should witness openly because of the political tensions that were mounting in our country. Daily life continued, yet it was far from joyful.
We gradually developed an understanding of each other through conversing in English, but beyond this an even more difficult problem was awaiting us. It was the friction caused by the differences in the way we spoke the words and our differing attitudes of faith, ways of thinking, customs, and so on. Listing the problems would be an endless task, but as an example, we found we differed considerably concerning the most elementary activities of daily life--how to wash dishes, how to clean the house, and so on. We tried to understand and accept each other as much as possible; however, it is natural that when frustrations grow, even more invisible barriers are created.
Accordingly, it was also hard to plan how to do our mission. We each had our own ideas about it, yet we could not fully explain our reasons. (I especially found this to be the case.) Furthermore, we had not yet decided who among us should be the central figure. We were uncertain who should decide this! Our thoughts were so complicated. We questioned everything, over and over. We were apt to complain over very slight things. When this happened, any kind of relationship we had succeeded in building began to crumble. I felt so sorry for Heavenly Father.
There is nothing more miserable than the impatience and disappointment you experience when people who are living for the same purpose and are working to achieve it cannot really join forces. I earnestly asked for God's guidance through prayer and fasting conditions. I felt very uneasy because Satan's power tried to invade and create a gap of heart among us. All of us felt this uneasiness when we could not unite.
It is extraordinarily difficult to unite three missionaries who have different nationalities, languages, customs, and habits. But we knew that True Father, who came to put an end to the 6,000-year history of darkness, wanted us to be proud of making unity. He wanted us to make possible something which in today's world is quite impossible. We know through the Bible that nothing is impossible to those who love God. I had great determination to fulfill the goal; I felt I would never yield.
Whenever I pondered about what goes on in Father's mind, I could not help but remember the speech he gave to the Japanese missionaries before our departure from Japan. It was not possible for True Father to tell us all that we would face; at that time, we would not have been able to truly understand. It was only our own tearful experience that crystallized our understanding. I told myself over and over that nothing can be created without the unity of three centered on God and without establishing an eternal tradition which would begin and remain as God's history in our mission country.
It was not easy to remain calm while trying to set up a clear direction for our activities. It was also not easy to control our hearts while being driven to the edge of our limitations. Among many missionary trinities in Africa, there was often severe conflict between the American and the Japanese missionaries. Our situation was no different. The relationship between my American sister and myself was the most difficult one. When I was silent, she pressed me to talk because she wanted to know what I was thinking. If I showed a little uneasiness toward what she said or did, she immediately got angry and demanded to know why I was angry with her. She emphasized that the best method for understanding one another is to express everything openly and honestly. This goes completely against Oriental tradition.
Later I came to realize that I should indeed speak a little more openly about what I was feeling, but in my heart, I could not really accept her method. There are some things one cannot express in words at the moment of difficulty. I was raised under the philosophy that it is often better to wait for some time before talking about how one feels. Countless times I was glared at by her eyes, full of resentment.
She could rarely understand my point of view. I wondered how unity between us could be achieved. I knew that it was not possible without love and truth, and without centering upon God. Accordingly, I could not help but make effort to love and serve her patiently. It was, I feel, a silent world I lived in. I searched for the depth of True Father's mind. I know he faced countless times when he also tried to speak, but couldn't.
I learned that my American sister's heart vacillated easily. Sometimes she would ask questions with honesty and sincerity, but at other times she would quickly become angry. I felt she tried to dominate the German sister as well as the whole mission. I began to understand that although American women are strong, their strength is basically on the surface. I could see my American sister's weakness; underneath, she was actually fragile and needed love.
My American sister had visa problems and had to stay in a neighboring country. I myself spent almost nine months in other countries because of visa problems, but I was finally able to reenter my mission country again.
After that, unity developed between my German sister and me quite naturally. We built up a solid unity by virtue of her vertical and honest character, and as a foundation, I taught her the Principle and gave her internal guidance for two or three hours every day for nearly three months. The memory of that time remains in both our hearts as one of joy and is a testimony to achieving a victory of unity. It became a foundation for a deep relationship to grow between us, a relationship more like that between a parent and child than between a brother and sister. And our love for one another continues even today.
However, I felt pity toward our American sister because she could not obtain a new visa for our mission country and work together with us. She was forced to stay in another country; therefore, she felt estranged from both of us and also felt a certain amount of jealousy toward the German sister. The German sister and I earnestly tried to bring unity between all of us through praying for her and writing letters to her.
After three years we could once again work together in our mission country. We had another chance to try to unite substantially. I took the opportunity to talk with my American sister often, to serve her and give advice to her, but it was hard for us to cultivate a deep relationship with each other. She was still jealous of the German missionary. Her temper flared often. It seemed to me that she did not understand her own character, so I tried to show her something about herself little by little. But whenever I hurt her pride, I felt her hatred for me. However, when I endured and continued, she could not help but begin to trust me.
Behind the curtain of our daily lives, the invisible strings of God's dispensation are constantly at work. Each of us has to indemnify many things. Our ancestors' mistakes and our personal mistakes have become entangled, and they complicate our lives immeasurably. Since I believed in God's dispensation and His guidance, I had no recourse but to do my best and undertake everything with gratitude. With a humble mind, I obediently tried to indemnify whatever was necessary. I felt I had to serve my American sister and talk to her only when my mind was full of love, and then victory over resentment would surely come.
This is part of the path we had to walk to build unity. It was more than merely difficult. Yet at the most demanding times, I thought of Heavenly Father's heart and how He has been watching humanity for 6,000 years without being able to reach us. Even so, He could not avoid putting the Lord of the Second Advent through difficulty and pain, which would ultimately free mankind. I knew that my pain was nothing in comparison. Heavenly Father showed us parental love, and assuaged my heartaches.
Because of our government's policy toward religious activities, witnessing became more and more difficult and dangerous. At the end of 1978, all of us moved to the same new mission country in which a mission had already been established. I saw even more unity problems between the missionaries there, and I also learned a valuable lesson about how the problems among missionaries hurt the native members. I realized it was not easy to eradicate the accusations and anger that the native members saw fly between missionaries. It was also impossible to erase the resentful words some of the missionaries spoke to the native members. The true tradition we should inherit from True Parents is to care for young members as they experience their spiritual rebirth. If we cannot do this, it is only their resentment and bitterness that remain eternally in the history of the mission. When I received this understanding, I chose to serve silently.
I had the chance to meet other Japanese missionaries, and I could see that they felt a certain arrogance because they came from the Orient. They boasted that they knew the Principle more deeply than Westerners. But I could not accept such an attitude. I felt that if Japanese missionaries could not express love to Western missionaries in words, they certainly would never be able to guide them through deeds of love. When I talked with other Japanese missionaries, I became sick of hearing them arbitrarily pass judgment on the quality of all Western members based on one small episode in their personal experience. Honestly speaking, I was disappointed in the Japanese brothers who could not uplift and embrace the Western missionaries. I felt we should stand in the position of parent or elder brother.
Many of these Japanese missionaries were former leaders in Japan or had held other responsible positions. In their positions they guided many members, and back in Japan I naturally respected them. But when we left Japan, I saw them in a different light. I feel one must overcome feelings of strong nationalism. One cannot judge simply by something he learned in the past, but rather one must broaden his own horizons. We may be able to categorize a person based on his background, but we should not judge everyone based on one experience. I feel the fundamental standard of a person is his character and the firmness of his heartfelt relationship with God.
I heard rumors that some of the native members decided whether to love or hate a missionary based on whether that person was Japanese, American, or German. I felt so much pain that native members were disappointed in the Japanese missionaries. I had many things I wanted to teach the native members, but knowing the disunity problem, I decided to go the sacrificial way by paying indemnity and being silent.
Once we were settled into our center and the externals were temporarily taken care of, our attention then turned inward, on each other and ourselves. We were still filled with the excitement and determination we had gotten from our training, and we went witnessing with a fierce desperation. But the kind of results we knew we should be getting eluded us. Frustration developed. We were afraid of so many unknown factors: Would we get long-term visas? Would we get the jobs we needed for the visas? Would we be able to fulfill our mission?
So much of life around us went on in the native language which we didn't understand. We tried to start learning it, but progress was slow. The long evenings and weekends we filled with prayer and study conditions. But emptiness and loneliness were always there.
Our Japanese missionary counterpart had not yet arrived. Unwittingly I started taking my frustrations out on my German sister. I started nagging her about many little things -- the way she cooked, the way she spoke English, the circumstances. I didn't want to be harsh, but I caught myself nagging her many, many times. She must have been very lonely, and just as empty inside as I was. Sometimes when I was "teaching" her in a harsh way, tears would well up in her eyes. But she never once complained or reciprocated. She was amazing -- so humble and sincere; secretly, I respected her very much.
Thus, we struggled through those first difficult months together -- both of us faced with so many unknowns, both of us inspired and driven on by our True Parents' vision, yet each of us lonely and empty in our hearts. I cried myself to sleep some nights; I don't even know why. My heart just seemed to ache and overflow at times. Both of us really tried not to let our True Parents down, feeling all the while that we were. If I had to summarize those first months in one word, it would have to be "heartache" -- intense heartache.
Then a new light brightened our horizon and temporarily distracted us from our struggles -- our Japanese brother arrived. What a lively, energetic person! His personality was completely complementary to ours; he was an extrovert and an entertainer. One problem was that he did not seem to treat sisters on an equal level with brothers, which made it difficult for our German sister. Here my conscience was struck. I liked him and he respected me, but my understanding of our positions was different from his. I felt very strongly that since Heavenly Father had sent a representative from each of three major countries, our positions were equal. Thus, I defended our German sister and included her.
After one month, our Japanese brother had to leave. When the German sister and I were alone again, we started to get on each other's nerves. Once again we became conscious of the emptiness inside. We felt our faith to be very inadequate. We felt that if our faith and relationship of heart to Heavenly Father and True Parents had been deeper, we would have been filled with heavenly love and overflowing with spirit. We tried many different things but expressions of heart were not able to be squeezed out of us.
Perhaps we were quite immature in understanding and living the Principle, but we thought it was a disgrace to set anything but the highest goals. Then when we could not reach them, we got depressed and we accused ourselves. I must repent now that we were not more perceptive and clever at the time. We just kept plodding laboriously forward.
Our Japanese brother returned to the country, but somehow our relationships were different from the first time. Any measure of harmony we had achieved was now a thing of the past. Suddenly we found we all had very strong opinions, which were very different from one another. The Japanese brother had resentment against the German sister and me because we had been deciding everything ourselves in his absence. He had the idea that he, as an Oriental man, was naturally the subject over us; we had quite a different idea. He did not even seem to want to include our German sister at all, but I stood by my original idea that the three of us were given equal positions by True Father, and that we represented our countries before we represented ourselves.
Sometime after that I was put in jail and deported; however, I was able to return some months later. I was jubilant on my return, feeling victorious in overcoming all the frustrations and trials of my exile, and being allowed to make my "second advent" in the country to which True Father had originally assigned me. But the circumstances I found gave me the shock of my life.
Communication had been cut off. Members were scattered around the whole country. No new members had joined. Some previous ones had left. The German sister had been sent to another city. And my Japanese brother warned me not to try to "take over:' I could not understand where the respect for the idea and the reality of the "three representatives" had gone.
So we three missionaries decided to start evening meetings just between the three of us to make decisions involving day-to-day affairs.
But sometimes our Japanese brother would not come home at night. If he did not come home of his own volition, I went to the office he had downtown to find him. I found that his heart had been deeply wounded. I tried all possible methods to get him to come home so that we could meet as a trinity. Now I have to repent that I did not understand at that time about laying internal indemnity conditions; our methods were wholly external. Although he would come back at night and things would be all right for a while, he suffered "'relapses" now and again. It was a trying period, to say the least. The other two of us had to work on overcoming our own problems, as well as love and comfort him. Thanks to Heavenly Father, we all survived, and after a little while our Japanese brother began to gain his self- confidence once again.
We started a new tradition, a tradition of meeting to discuss the direction of our mission every night after the members had gone to bed. At first there were incredible tensions between the three of us. But our "code of ethics" pulled us through. We never really spoke about it, but somehow we all assumed that no matter how big our fights became, we had to always respect the other's right to speak as a representative of True Parents and his or her own nation. Secondly, we silently, "agreed" that none of us would ever try to solve problems by running out of the meeting or breaking off communication. Even though all of us were tempted many times to do these things, somehow we always restrained ourselves. Our meetings almost always lasted until 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. And there were some nights when we met until 5:00 a.m.! But finally, we were able to reach agreements at these meetings, and that was so essential to the core of our mission.
Sometimes during our meetings we shouted at each other with such loud voices that the whole neighborhood must have heard! Mainly, the Japanese missionary and I fought. Our German sister's weapon was her tears; it was difficult to go against her when she started to cry. At first, we had incredible misunderstandings and impatience with each other. It depended on the issue, but generally two of us sided together, and these "teams" of two were always changing. But we usually did not end our meeting until the issue was solved. On rare occasions, we decided to "sleep" on it (what sleep?)
Gradually, we began to understand each other's way of thinking, each other's strong and weak points. Our meetings matured from violent surges of emotion to more calm and rational exchanges. I liked to keep our meetings casual, telling a few jokes and interesting stories. The Japanese brother also liked to "horse around;' while our German sister always wanted to get down to business and said we were "wasting time" But as our understanding of each other's sincerity grew, so did our affection for one another. After a while we looked forward to these meetings. They became our strength and our inspiration. More than once, we commented that we felt "married" to one another.
These meetings offered us an incredible education. Never before had I seen such proof of the power of the Principle in helping us overcome differences. And never before had I learned so much about other cultures than through the give and take at our meetings. Today, I feel as though I didn't know anything about the Japanese and German cultures before I began this mission. Needless to say, my appreciation for those nations has grown immensely. I'm sure none of us has ever been closer to any other brothers and sisters than we are to each other, even though we come from different cultural heritages. This has made us feel that each of our cultures can make a positive contribution to the world and that we ourselves can make a positive contribution to the providence of restoration. Through our unity we developed a tremendous confidence in the Principle and in our True Parents. Even though we are quite thankful for our level of unity now, at the beginning I remember I often had to protect my German sister's position, as well as "translate" many of the more rigid points of Japanese philosophy. But now that has all melted away. We are quite free to express ourselves, and we feel equally respected by each other.
I think the turning point in our meetings came when we began to really trust each other. I remember that what started it was a testimony sent to us by headquarters. It contained the following advice: In order to trust, you have to be prepared to risk something. I was intrigued by the idea. Thus, in our meetings I tried to take calculated risks. The results were amazing! My brother and sister were shocked; they couldn't believe I really trusted them, especially because before, we always found it so difficult to trust each other. Actually at the time I really didn't trust them; it was more of an intellectual experiment. But I figured that whatever we were doing wasn't that important; thus, if we risked some result but gained a little mutual trust in return, it would be worth it. It is incredible how that small, hesitant beginning germinated and multiplied itself! Suddenly, the others also took risks, and even if they felt I would completely fail to accomplish, they still trusted me. I reciprocated. Soon it wasn't just an intellectual exercise anymore; we began relating from our hearts. After a while, we actually began to trust each other! We had broken through! It was beautiful.
From then on, our relationship began to blossom into a love for one another that filled our hearts deeply, and we felt no emptiness or loneliness anymore. Suddenly, our mission country became our home, and we felt that a great foundation for international unity and for our True Parents had been established. Our relationship with each other became an expression of gratitude and love.
We still have our squabbles, but they are on a completely different level. We know that our bond of love and trust cannot be broken. Once we realized this, we understood the wisdom of Heavenly Father and True Parents for putting us together those-long years ago.
Our "eventful" daily life together soon made us realize why our True Parents had intentionally sent us out as representatives of three completely different countries. Personal character, history, cultures, and customs separated us. Our first task -- to create unity -- turned out to be a very special challenge.
It was not simply the three of us who met. Our ancestors met one another too. In the beginning there were many conflicts, many desperate hours. Each of us sometimes thought we were approaching the limit of what the human heart could bear.
American self-confidence encountered Japanese pride. Openness faced taciturnity. And another seasoning, added to the already well- spiced dish, was German stubbornness. The whole encounter was framed in every respect by completely strange and unusual surroundings.
Even a person without a terribly active imagination would be able to envision the peculiarity of this situation. One person is used to blowing his nose in a noisy way; for the other, this shows terrible manners.
Another one has to switch from chopsticks to a knife and fork. In America, it is noble to put the left hand under the table while eating. In Europe, this is considered extremely crude, and the European custom to leave both hands on the table, and to eat "armed" with knife and fork, is condemned by Americans as horribly barbaric. A person from the East eats his soup noisily, while in the West people try to eat as noiselessly as possible. The Western heart rebels when the Eastern person walks ten meters ahead on the sidewalk.
In the West, people express their joy and suffering visibly; in the East, it is a mark of good breeding to withhold public displays of emotions. Something that sounds agreeable in the German language means something disrespectful and insulting in English. In the Oriental view of what a woman should look, like, one of us was definitely too tall and the other not thin enough.
To sum up, simply everything was conflicting. And because of the language difficulties, which did not allow our hearts to express themselves as they desired, our personal characters -- which were not rounded to begin with -- developed many sharp corners that seemed to jut out all too often.
When I look back today, I am so grateful to have learned the value of the Cain/Abel relationship through living in the mission field. We come to know the human character especially through resolving this relationship, with its highs and lows, in its depravity and divinity. True purification takes place especially when pain is experienced. How does one mature? Isn't it by overcoming pride? By having the courage to humble oneself? Yes, but also through the slow but solid development of a love in which we refuse to succumb to the tendency to criticize others around us and learn to spontaneously center our hearts on God.
Only together can we learn to serve our True Parents. We must restore ourselves first, then work with other people. Often we have to overcome limitations not only for our own sake. Perhaps in God's eyes overcoming certain things is necessary as a condition, as a way to achieve a higher purpose which we do not yet know. Sometimes tears rolled down our cheeks, and only after a long time could we realize the actual "why."
We were each tested to a degree I had never imagined possible. My pride and my love for my "old continent" were things I clung to. Such typical arrogance! Such German obstinacy and lack of modesty! If I realized them before, they had simply been pins pricking my heart and conscience, trying to chide me into giving them up. Yet in the mission field, they became stakes; the pain forcing me to break free from the old.
Through my American sister, God tried to bring seemingly trivial things to light. And to my great amazement, if my heart refused to accept my mistakes or errors which God and True Parents showed me -- either through prayer, through a dream, or in daily life -- she helped show me the attitude I harbored within me which had to be revised.
Today, looking back on the confrontations and difficulties, I know all three of us now realize that many locked horizons opened up through these kinds of experiences. And within ourselves, we realize the unique value and infinite richness of mutual exchange on so many different levels. Existing corners have become rounder; through unity, with its spiritual abundance and ability to attract the presence of God, we realize the emptiness we felt during our moments of misunderstanding.
I think the great heavenly secret in creating unity, and in achieving any success, is the ability to forgive. By solidifying this ability, love can emerge. This is not only true of our situation, but also for anyone trying to overcome barriers between the different systems, cultures, and habits still existing in this world. Only in this way can the good and the divine in the people we confront be realized and developed.
All this becomes possible only through living the Principle and only through the example of our True Parents, who have shown us the direction through their sacrificial way of life. Even the simple thought of them often united the three of us to become, at least in spirit, one in heart.
In front of such a historic, unique example as our True Parents, who have moved the heart of God and all mankind, our repentance seemed even more necessary. In our hearts we felt a deep gratitude that we had been allowed to know them and to help them in the mission of world restoration to the best of our ability.
The experiences of these past years helped in a wonderful way to bring us to understand True Parents and empathize with their path through life, their happiness and suffering. They brought us to a much deeper maturity.
Through this testimony, I want by no means to give the impression that our own suffering has been our central focus. All our accomplishments have been due to our True Parents, who accompanied us day by day, who protected us with their prayers, and who had to pioneer and confront far greater problems than we ever faced.