Cultivating Matching Networks

Eric Palhof
January 20, 2010

I'd like to bring to everyone's attention a group that has some legs to it which deals with the issue of helping families with the matching process. Under the BFA groups there is a group called Matching Station which is a forum to discuss the needs and share testimonies concerning the matching process. If anyone has tried to match their children, you have experienced how complicated it can get depending on our own children's desires and situation. Multiply that out across the nation and world and it becomes clear we have our work cut out for us. Some families have prepared their children well but others have not had such an easy time. There are so many different issues that must be confronted by parents that many give up as the requirements for matching can be daunting and end up wishing Father could do it. The problem is complicated for many by the blemishes that they have for qualifying for Father's Matching which throws it back in our laps. The main difference between the 1st and 2nd generations is the children did not make a choice to be involved as we did in the 1st generation.

As I've contacted parents around the country, I find a lot of difficulties in the communication areas. I think with BCs who qualify for Father's matching it is easier as they have fewer issues but even then there are broken matches. The experience leaves a bad taste to say the least. Many children are not honest with their parents as they fear that if they share their sins they will lose their love. Many hide their transgressions and may leave when they are old enough as we are more concerned about what people think instead of taking the time to be good listeners to our children. They have heard of countless matches that broke which makes them even more hesitant.

I decided to work with the BFA because it was the only organization that would allow the creative process to flourish and come up with ideas to solve complex issues. There is no one saying "You can't do this or that." One idea that one sister posted had possibilities. It is using the tradition that American Indians still keep today called Pow Wows. This idea came about with the interaction of the members discussing ways to building closer ties amongst us across the nation.

The Pow Wow is easily understood as a spiritual gathering that brings people together. We are applying what the Native Americans are doing in concept and developing the idea to fit our needs. It is usually a day-long event 3-4 times a year that can last a couple days. We are planning on posting Pow Wows nationwide on a calendar so everyone can see the location and times. They are events that could occur on church or public holidays to have fun, teach some life skills such as cooking and discuss the issues in the local area giving families and BCs the opportunity to get and give guidance from the 1st generation elders .

Members could attend other Pow Wows to share what is going on in their area and take back valuable information on BCs and their host families to their local area to share back home. The problem with the the convocations is they are usually held in a few locations in an unfamiliar setting on an irregular basis and cost quite a bit to attend which leaves out a lot of people. On the other hand, Pow Wows could fill the void for those who can not travel easily. The hope is, they would take place all across the country throughout the year in comfortable homes or halls and not be expensive to do. A general format is being discussed to help everyone put on a Pow Wow. I think of these Pow Wows as a way to tighten up every community and link up together across the country. Each community should reach out to another to build momentum and communication. Representatives from each tribe can be assigned to exchange information with other reps.

For the longest time, pastoral care in the church has almost been non-existent as the focus has always been on missions. We are probably one of the few churches that spends more on missions then on caring for the members. The outcome has left families grasping for magical solutions for family problems that are costly and in many cases masking the real underlying issues. My take on all this, is we must take responsibility and face it squarely. Pow Wows are member-centric and would be neutral ground to allow the BCs to talk openly about their problems and vent if necessary with other elders listening. They can share their triumphs and failures without being judged. The 1st generation will learn how to help every BC and child in their local tribe by helping them in any way possible. It is no secret that our families are under a lot of stress and have lost trust in what the leadership can do. Pow Wows could be one tool to healing the distrust we all have. As we help one another by breaking down the barriers, we can learn to love each other and assist in the matching process as a community.