No Compromise Marriage Is the IDEAL!

Shahram Sedehi
October 24, 2011

Sun Myung Moon, September 20, 2011

A reader asked the following question:

What is the best way to be victorious in a Blessed couple relationship, to come closer to each other every day and develop a deeper love? What is the responsibility of the wife and husband toward each other?

According to my reflections, the key to marriage is about not the couple, but the individual who is married. If each spouse know what they want from the other, then both will eventually become happy.

Unhappiness arrives in a marriage, when one spouse does not know what he/she wants from the other, on an absolute basis. As a reference, let's look at our "marriage" with God. God is absolute about what He wants from us, without ever forcing our decision; yet, do we know what we want from God, absolutely, and unchangingly?! Well, we usually don't!

The main responsibility husband and wife have, is to ask each other: What do you want from me? That question does not mean: what do you want to force me to want, or what do you think God wants me to do, nor what do you think others wants me to do, and not even whatever you want me to do I will do..! No, none of these, Just simply, "What do you want from me!"

For example, you may say, "I want you to wash the dishes after you eat!" Your intention should be, to give the other a chance to participate in the relationship, voluntarily. Let's say he refuses to wash the dishes; you should not offer him any immediate "rewards" or "punishment" to motivate him! But, first you should self-sooth yourself and not be upset; then, try again to motivate him in a sincere, and not a "managerial" way.

It should be clear to him that what you want from him is not merely a sign of dutifulness toward the family, but a sign of the special love and connection he has for you. And, eventually, you will succeed to have him do what you want!

Conclusion: Opposite to the belief that "marriage is all about compromise", I believe, the secret to success is being unchanging in what we want from the other! However, we must be ready to be very diligent and sincere in our pursuit, never forcing or manipulating the other person's decision in any way. The only answer we should accept is either a "yes" or "no": no excuses, arguments, justifications!