Ask Before You Give!

Shahram Sedehi
October 25, 2011

"Living for the sake of others"

I believe that slogan has been widely misunderstood by many Unificationists including myself for many years. So I will draw two pictures of two types of spousal relationship to illustrate my point.

Let's say, a newly married wife gives her husband a new pair of socks, without him asking for it! Then, the next day, she briefly admonishes him for not barely even noticing the gift, as she is serving him a dinner menu that he did not ask for either! Then, the next day, she is all mad and does not serve him food or do his laundry; she just sits in her pajama in front of TV all day! Then the next day, she feels sorry for not paying attention to him and start giving him things, he did not ask for, either, and this cycle of behavior continues on and on... Obviously after a while both spouses feel exhausted in the relationship.

Now let's illustrate a different scenario: The couple are newly married, and are not really sure what their spouse wants from the other. So, let's say the wife sits there observing her husband everyday life. She doesn't really do anything especial for him, and not even engage in any intimate sexual relationship; however, she asks him lots of questions, and listens intently, and jots down some notes about his answers.

Now, he may be upset at times, why she is not serving him dinner or do his laundry or giving him sex. After a while, he accepts the fact, that she just don't want to serve him in any of those ways; so, he goes and makes his own food and does his own laundry. Then, he becomes curious as what is her concept of marriage and what she wants to give or receive. She turns into a mystery to him and he just got to solve it! Finally, he will invite her out to a nice restaurant and asks lots of questions and takes notes secretly! As we can see, so far, seemingly neither of them, served the other. However, they both are finding out more and more about the other person.

Of course there would still be the times, that the pressure of life gets to be more than usual and one wants to force the other to pity and rescue them! They would start complaining to each other to get the other to sooth their own pain. However, both spouses start self-soothing themselves and don't complain, since they have started their marriage in a self-reliant manner. Therefore, as the two observe how each handles the difficult times on their own, they actually begin to even admire the other.

...As they give each other that simple kiss before departing for work, they feel connected with each other throughout the day; they just can't wait to come back and see each other. Notice, that still, no one is serving the other much, yet, the love is growing between them naturally. And, yet finally one night one of them start weeping out of feelings of gratitude toward the other for that simple kiss they receive from the other each day!

And that's when, the couple comes to a new level; where they both ask each other, if there is anything one can do for the other. They both may still refuse to say, but they will keep asking until finally they tell each other what they would want from the other.

In this scenario, the couple could naturally arrive at the stage to begin "living for the sake of the other" without any sense of being forced or manipulated by the other.

To conclude: it is not the serving itself that makes a marriage, but the sincerity behind the serving, no matter how big or small!