The Words of the Feddema Family
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The Words of the Feddema Family |
Mrs. Feddema translating for Rev. Kim at a 40-day workshop in the New Yorker Hotel, early 1980s. Rev. Kim would speak in Japanese for the benefit of the many Japanese members.
Kim Won-pil was eighteen years old when he first met Father, in North Korea, and Father was twenty-six. On September 20, a celebration for Rev. Kim's eightieth birthday was held in Seoul. Although he is well known as Father's first disciple, Rev. Kim is not one to speak about his own accomplishments. We are therefore glad to be able to share the following testimony from someone who worked closely with Rev. Kim thirty years ago.
God's grace and guidance has encouraged me to testify to Rev. Kim Won-pil, True Father's first disciple, though I feel unworthy of doing so because my experiences with him are so small and limited. Being with him and his family in public and private life was a "larger than life" experience. I have struggled immensely with how to properly testify to him. I have tried my best, with prayer and sincerity, to convey and express who he is and how he has lived as a loyal disciple.
I worked with him for two years in England (1978-80) and four years in America (1980-1984) as his translator, secretary and Home Church itinerant worker (IW). I am Japanese, and I translated his Japanese into English. He wanted to speak in Japanese because of his love for Japanese members, who were everywhere in England and in America. Even after I no longer had a public mission under him, I am blessed to have been in touch with him and his family for over twenty-five years. I am grateful for this opportunity to share some of my experiences.
In the spring of 1978, Father started the Home Church providence in England by gathering all the European national church leaders and other members at Lancaster Gate Headquarters in London. We, the International One World Crusade members in Japan, were called to England to participate. England had been divided into regions and a national church leader and members from the leader's country were assigned an area in which to do Home Church activity. Over a thousand members had come to England to start the Home Church providence.
One beautiful spring morning, Rev. Kim Won-pil came to visit us in Birmingham. I was the center mother then and was busy taking care of members externally. Rev. Kim offered his time to counsel them. I was about to go out to my Home Church area, when I was asked to translate for him. Without fully understanding who Rev. Kim was, I stayed at the center translating for him all day. Rev. Kim was not in charge of the Home Church providence at that time; he was an international IW [Itinerary Worker] who was visiting England.
During the counseling, I was deeply touched by his profound and wise guidance. I was intensely involved in the translation. The next day he left. I became busy with my mission and forgot about him. About a month later, I was called to the headquarters in London to become a translator and IW for Rev. Kim, whom Father had by then appointed commander-in-chief of the Home Church providence.
Japanese sisters were assigned as IWs to each of four regions. I was assigned to the North London region, where the German members worked under their national leader, Rev. Reiner Vincenz. Among the four IWs, I was the youngest spiritually (I had only been in the movement for four years). It was Rev. Kim's courageous decision to trust a young member like me with such a big responsibility. Through regular national leaders meetings and weekly IW meetings, he trained and educated us to become qualified IWs. He was very strong and principled. He pushed us to work hard, challenged us to our limits and at times was very strict with us. However, we always felt fatherly love from him. After an intense witnessing campaign, he took the IWs on a trip to Germany. We went sightseeing and shopping, ate at nice restaurants, watched movies, and generally enjoyed ourselves. It was a wonderful experience, which I will never forget. He gave me confidence as an IW by showing his complete trust in me.
In addition to the IW work, I was to translate for Rev. Kim at events at which he spoke to members, when he met national church leaders, spoke at workshops or gave Sunday sermons. Mrs. Kimiyo Anceney was Rev. Kim's day-to-day translator, and she translated for him when he visited the various centers.
At Lancaster Gate, he would give internal guidance at 5 AM for anyone who wanted to come. He did not insist on everyone coming to listen to him. It was voluntary. Nevertheless, every morning brothers and sisters eager to listen to his guidance filled the main room. What he said deeply touched the members' hearts and original minds. It appeared members had found a spiritual oasis and were drinking every drop. This inspirational guidance was a result of many intense and tearful prayers. I did not realize that, until I happened to see him in the prayer room at 2 AM one morning.
He was kneeling in front of True Parents' picture and in his prayer said, "home church, home church" many times in Korean, sobbing like a child. Rev. Kim consistently guided the members, and we all felt spiritually revived and refreshed. It was as if a fire of spiritual revival were spreading quickly throughout England. He also visited the centers and members on the front line daily. He brought lots of food when he visited. He fed us literally as well as spiritually.
In February 1980, Father called Rev. Kim to America to take charge of the Home Church providence there. He left for America three days later; he took Mrs. Anceney and a Japanese brother with him. I remained in England and continued my mission in the German region. Three months later he called me to come to America because Mrs. Anceney, a member of the 1,800-couple blessing group, was starting her family.
It was in America that my real training with Rev. Kim began. In England, I still had freedom to make my own schedule.
I had more independence. Now, I had to be with him as his mouth wherever he went and whenever he needed. Working directly with him, I began to struggle because of my spiritual immaturity. I joined the movement right after I graduated from university; I had a big head and a small heart.
Rev. Kim understood my character better than I did. He was genuinely concerned with my spiritual growth and the development of my character. At that time, I strongly believed that witnessing, fund raising, taking care of members, teaching and so forth were the only valuable things to do in the movement. As an IW in England, I had been doing these things in the field with brothers and sisters. However, in America, I was only translating for him. I felt it was not frontline work. In other words, I could not see the value of being a translator for Rev. Kim and did not understand the value of his historical position.
He could have directly pointed out my shortcomings by saying, "You need to commit yourself more to the present mission," or "You should unite with your central figure," but he didn't.
Instead, he put me into circumstances where I could learn naturally. He indirectly taught me the importance of how to express love to people through doing small services in daily life, by asking me to iron his shirts, go shopping for his wife, help his children with homework, clean his office, cook for his family and so on.
Rev. Kim's family moved to America in the spring of 1980. As an international IW, he had been away from his family for several years, so he was trying to have some time with them on weekends to rebuild relationships. Nevertheless, he opened his family to the Home Church Office staff. I was often with his wife and children at their family events and meals. They treated me like a part of their family and gave me lots of love. Rev. Kim often cooked kimchi chigel at home and taught the Home Church Office staff members how to make it. Through these experiences, I learned naturally how to serve, love and attend with a willing heart. He did it so naturally that I did not even recognize the changes that took place in my behavior and attitude.
He took care of each staff member personally, according to his or her character and spiritual maturity. His love and care transformed many members around him. He saw potential in each one of us and brought the best out of us for God and God's will. He often testified to how True Father took care of him when he was just a young member.
Living and working with him daily was like consistent, on-going education and training in how to live a principled life. He taught us what it might have been like to be with Father every day. From Monday to Friday our schedule was very intense from early in the morning until late at night. For example, one day, Rev. Kim might present Father's life course to participants in a one-hundred-and-twenty-day leaders' workshop at 6 AM and afterward counsel members, visit centers and have meetings with department leaders. We often forgot to eat lunch and ended up having lunch-and-dinner around nine or ten o'clock at night; we sometimes went on after midnight. It was only on weekends that our schedule was a little more relaxed.
One incident especially helped me break through in relating to him. At that time, True Father was giving Sunday sermons at the Belvedere Training Center every week. Occasionally Father was out of town and asked Rev. Kim to give the sermon. That week, Rev. Kim told me in advance to prepare to translate for his Sunday sermon.
I was still struggling then, but I tried my best to prepare. That morning arrived, and Rev. Kim started giving his sermon. About ten minutes into his sermon, I translated a simple sentence of Rev. Kim's. He asked me to translate it again. I did. He then asked me to translate it yet again. So, for the third time I translated the same simple sentence. Then, Rev. Kim pointed to a Japanese brother, a UTS student, in the audience and asked that brother to translate for him. The brother translated for just a few minutes, but to me, standing in front of four hundred people feeling embarrassed and angry, it felt like a thousand years.
I did not understand why Rev. Kim was treating me like that. All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. Then, all of a sudden, I recognized the seriousness in Rev. Kim's voice. This was entirely different from any other meeting where I had translated. He was talking about Moses' hitting the rock twice in the wilderness. I realized how serious he was to convey the message. I repented for how unprepared I was compared to Rev. Kim. He might have prayed all night to prepare for this sermon, I thought. I understood why he could not depend on my translation at that moment; my spiritual level was far from synchronized with his, and I could not convey his heart and seriousness to the brothers and sisters.
I deeply repented and felt so sorry for Rev. Kim. The moment I repented, Rev. Kim turned to me and asked me to continue translating. It was perfect timing! I was fully united with him, and the rest of the translation went very smoothly.
Many brothers and sisters were in tears by the end of the sermon. Since that incident, I never struggled over translating for him again. He had to shake me up and awaken my spirit in order to accomplish his task at that moment and in that environment. I was grateful for what happened on that day. From then on, I grew spiritually through translating his speeches, internal guidance and counseling. His teachings became embedded in my spiritual body.
Everything was a learning experience. He taught Home Church Office staff members many practical things. At that time, many older international and national leaders (including members of the thirty-six-couple blessing group, such as Rev. Kwak) visited Rev. Kim often. We did not know how to attend and serve them. For example, when serving soft drinks, we had been offering the first one to Rev. Kim, since he is the first disciple, but he told us to serve him last since he was the host.
After a meeting, Rev. Kim always walked with his guests from his office to the elevator to see them off. He told us to go a few steps ahead of them, and push the elevator button so that the guests would not have to wait as long.
He taught us how to speak when answering the phone, with respect and kindness, using proper expressions, according to the age of the person we were speaking to.
He taught us how to relate to members when they came for counseling. If it were an American sister for instance, we learned to treat her as a representative of the whole nation of America, with the same heart with which Father carried Mr. Park, whose leg was broken, on his back from North to South Korea, as if he were carrying all of humankind.
After watching movies, Rev. Kim always gave us a principled explanation and analysis of the movie. He trained us to see everything from a principled viewpoint. When getting out of the bed in the morning, he taught us to take the first step of the day with our right leg and offer that step to God and to offer the second step to humankind, just as Father does when he gets up.
Often Rev. Kim's office was the last stop for so-called problem members whose leaders had given up on them. I remember one Western brother, in particular, whose leader did not know how to deal with him because the brother was rebellious and did not follow the leader's directions at all. The leader was ready to send him back to his country.
Rev. Kim first listened to whatever the brother wanted to say and asked him questions and then kindly, lovingly guided him to understand what he had done wrong. Rev. Kim gave him advice from the heart and taught him what he needed to do. The brother's heart was completely open to what Rev. Kim was saying by the time he finished. After six hours with Rev. Kim, he looked very different. The next day, Rev. Kim took him to a Chinese restaurant and a movie; he bought him clothes and talked to him more. The brother decided to go back to his own country with determination to make a new start. (I heard the brother became a leader in his country and is an active leader to this day.)
Rev. Kim later told us he did not want the brother to feel bad about our movement and Father, in case the brother left. Rev. Kim wanted to properly represent True Father's love to him, so that he would not have resentment against True Father and the movement.
When it comes to taking care of members, he was very serious. One morning we had our regular Home Church Office staff meeting. Rev. Kim was not happy with the reports being given by the IWs. His voice became louder and louder; after a while, he sounded like thunder and it seemed as if lightning were striking the earth. It was so loud that an American brother from the other end of the eighth floor came running to see what was going on. We heard him open our office door and saw his worried face. As soon as he understood what was happening, he quietly closed the door.
Rev. Kim was angry because we did not love members enough. We did not visit the members and centers often enough. He scolded us for not taking care of members well. As he upbraided us, we felt so ashamed that we wanted to crawl into the closet. After criticizing us for about an hour or so, he stopped and told us to go out for lunch. He was very calm and natural because he had been angry for public purposes, not personal ones. Right after that, he related to us as if nothing had happened. That day we became even closer to him. Now and then he scolded us; however, it was clear to us that he did so because he loved us sincerely.
The way he took care of us exactly reflected how True Father had taken care of him during the early days in Busan. The more I worked with Rev. Kim, the closer I became to True Father in heart. I did not know True Father personally, but Rev. Kim brought me closer to True Father through his own example and lifestyle as a leader and disciple. When he spoke in public and private, he always talked about True Parents, not about himself at all. I often learned about Rev. Kim from his wife and children who told me many episodes of how True Father raised him to be a leader.
I would like to share some anecdotes about Rev. Kim practicing whatever he learned from True Father in his daily life. One afternoon when Rev. Kim came into the office, he was upset to see our desks so messy. Papers were piling up; books, magazines and newspapers were everywhere. He told us to clean the office right away. It took us the rest of the day.
He shared with us that True Father taught him how to keep things orderly. When True Father and Rev. Kim lived in that shabby cardboard house in Busan, Rev. Kim would paint portraits of American soldiers to raise money. After he finished painting for the day, Father cleaned all the art supplies and put them away neatly. Father told him he should be able to find things even in the dark. That's how orderly and organized Father was. Though he was very busy, Rev. Kim's desk was always very neat, simple and clean.
At a time when the Mobile Fundraising Team Department supported the Home Church Office, I learned Rev. Kim's attitude toward public money. One day he called the leader of the MFT Department and reported about our finances, how the money was used, even to the penny. The leader felt uncomfortable, but Rev. Kim kept reporting to him regularly. Eventually, the department leader courageously asked Rev. Kim why he did so. Rev. Kim explained that Father had done the same to him in Busan. Rev. Kim had been the sole breadwinner of the household, and as soon as he received his income, he gave everything to Father. Father, after spending the money, called him and reported to him, in detail, how he had spent it. Rev. Kim felt uncomfortable. Rev. Kim worried that Father thought Rev. Kim did not trust him. Sensing this, Father explained to him that he was reporting to Heaven about the public money through Rev. Kim. That was Father's standard on public money, which Rev. Kim incorporated into his life of faith.
He was also very sensitive about not creating any circumstances for Satan to invade or accuse his blessing or his family. He did it so naturally that I did not even notice it until something happened to me. One night, we finished a meeting at around nine o'clock at night, and I went back to my room on the twentieth floor of the New Yorker Hotel. All of a sudden, after eleven o'clock, I remembered something important I had forgotten to report to Rev. Kim. I felt it should be reported that day, so I went to his office on the eighth floor.
I knocked on his door, telling him I had something very important to report. He did not even open the door. He told me gently, "Masako san, you never know what people might think if they see a man and a woman meeting each other in a room at this hour. Please come back tomorrow and I will listen to you first thing in the morning."
I was shocked. I always felt he was like my father. I never thought of anything of this kind. However, I recognized how principled he was; he was protecting himself and me from Satan's accusation.
Rev. Kim and Mrs. Kim loved each other very much. I was fortunate to be with them often and to see how they related to each another. When walking, they would hold hands. In a restaurant, Mrs. Kim often spoon-fed him her soup; they shared food by putting it on each other's plates. When Mrs. Kim called him "A-bba," it sounded so loving. Even after twenty years of marriage, they were like lovebirds. Rev. Kim described her heart as being as tender as silk.
I often enjoyed listening to Mrs. Kim, who also spoke Japanese, share about Rev. Kim's early church life. She was always very polite, and I felt very comfortable around her; it was almost like feeling love's Holy Spirit. Though Rev. Kim was eight years younger than his wife, she always treated him with love and respect. I heard from one of their children that when he was away from home, only after bathing to purify herself, putting on white clothes and praying would she begin to write him a letter with a sincere heart. I never saw her get upset. She was always smiling and kind, always giving things to us. Though her body wasn't strong, her spirit was, and she always prayed for Rev. Kim's mission. She often spent time praying for True Parents and other True Family members.
Even after I left Rev. Kim's office for another mission, he and his wife kept in touch with me. When I had a difficult pregnancy with my son while staying in a Baltimore pioneering center, he was very concerned about my situation.
One day they visited me. They took me to a nice restaurant so that I could eat whatever I wanted to eat. They spent the whole day with me like parents, bought me food I could eat and then quietly went back to New York. I'll never forget the parental hearts they showed to me then. Much later, when I had difficulty in my blessing and in raising my son by myself, Rev. and Mrs. Kim always encouraged me to keep going, comforted and supported me. I received a lot of criticism and accusation from many members about my situation. Rev. Kim and his wife were the only ones who never judged me; they understood my situation and supported me. Whenever they came to America, they always called my son and me, took us to restaurants and bought my son toys. At that time, I had no public mission and was a single mom with a broken blessing. They treated me the same way they had when I was a translator and IW. They accepted me for who I was, Masako, one human being. I am eternally grateful to them for expressing and testifying to True Parents' love and heart through their examples. Because of their heart and love, I am still here working hard for God and True Parents to this day.
I would like to share the essence of what I learned from Rev. Kim Won-pil, which I have been practicing in my life of faith. Rev. Kim taught us the importance of setting and building sincere conditions in our life of faith. The sincerity that you invest into something or somebody will never be wasted. It will bear fruit someday. The question is whether you put in your deepest sincerity or not. Do not look around and compare your situation with others'. Just look straight at God and True Parents and invest your sincerity in attending and serving them. He also taught us to follow our conscience even before Father had made any public proclamation on the conscience. When fleeing North Korea during the Korean War, Rev. Kim asked Father what he should follow if he became lost and separated from Father. Father told him to follow his conscience. Rev. Kim has practiced that throughout his life of faith and taught us to do the same. He is truly True Parents' first disciple in his exemplary life of faith and in attending and serving True Parents and God.
I believe that he has influenced many members' lives as he did my own. My personal hope is to practice what he taught, to follow in his footsteps toward becoming like True Parents, and to pass these teachings on to the next generation.