Focus…

Brenda Ferguson
September 13, 2010

Brenda and Brian Ferguson

Having been diagnosed with terminal cancer eighteen months ago, to say my life has changed would be an understatement… You would think that this news would be entirely devastating- indeed it was to begin with. To be told I had cancer was a shock, as there is none of it my family, in fact heart disease is prevalent in both ancestries, so I had always been wary of any chest pain -- not looking for lumps!

The last few months have been a time of many ups and downs. Most of you who read this will not even know who I am, only some of the older members and those here in Scotland know a little about me.

My past history in the Church has not been illustrious. I was first witnessed to in 1972 by a brother who was promoting a speech True Father was to give at a Quaker Meeting House in central London. I shared a flat near Marble Arch and here on my flat doorstep stood this young man telling me about a Korean evangelist. I accepted a ticket from him, in fact it was for 3 nights of lectures. I would have considered going, but there was a problem. I was working full time for the Medical Research Council and attending Birkbeck College 4 evenings a week doing a B.Sc. And I was approaching final exams.

On the night of True Father's first lecture I went to College as usual. The biochemistry lecturer spoke for just over an hour and then set us some experiments, as the College was only a short walk from the Quaker Meeting House I decided to skip the practical and head off to hear what this Korean man had to say.

The hall was not that full, I wandered in and nobody spoke to me. I sat at end of a row so if I wanted to leave it wouldn't disturb anybody. After a few songs and an introduction True Father came to the podium. I was amazed by his dynamism, at times he was angry, frustrated and thumped the podium hard. I was mesmerized by him and couldn't take my eyes off him even when I felt he saw me staring at him. He spoke of the Old Testament and the way God was working to recreate fallen man. I had never thought of biblical history in this way.

The next 2 nights I skipped college again and went to listen to Sun Myung Moon. Some of the audience moaned and even walked out, I felt so ashamed of them. This man had come half way round the world -- so they could at least listen to what he had to say.

As I left the third night (again no one had spoken to me), I went out to walk home. Not far from the hall I heard this voice loud and clear say to me "I want to use you for a mission". I felt this was God talking to me -- what did this mean? What was a mission? I was brought up Church of England but had no strong convictions so I shrugged it off as imagination; what would God want with me? I went home.

The impression Sun Myung Moon had left me with was that he was somehow like John the Baptist preparing us for the second coming of Christ. I had never even contemplated this event -- maybe there was hope for mankind after all.

The next day I bought a Bible and began reading the Old Testament. It wasn't until some months later, after I had graduated that I went to St. George's Hospital Tooting to do a post graduate nursing course. While shopping on Tooting High Street I met two Church sisters witnessing and when I recognized True Father's picture in the magazine they became very excited.

I went to workshop and eventually joined full time I took part in all the usual activities, mainly fund-raising and witnessing, eventually joining the first girls witnessing team. I led centers and went on a European One World Crusade team and led the Maltese family for a while. Not all these activities were that successful. Spiritual pressures were immense. Physically I was tired all the time, I missed my family, my father died at this time and I struggled to find anyone to confide in. Back from travelling round Europe, depressed, and somewhat disillusioned I was sent to Burnley in Lancashire to help with a bakery which had been bought as a fund-raising venture and was being run by a new brother, Brian, who had been trained by the previous owner.

It was long hours and hard work. The more I worked with Brian the more I came to appreciate him and found myself attracted to him. He was strong, very much a realist and easily approachable. I suppressed these feelings as best I could.

A few weeks later True Father came to London to give a [marriage] Blessing. I was called to Lancaster Gate to be considered. Brian I and had become very close, and though not physically united as a couple, we wanted each other badly. I knew I couldn't be Blessed with him because he was a young member and didn't qualify for the Blessing. I left him in Burnley and went to Lancaster Gate.

True Father began matching couples, but I could only think about Brian. I knew this wasn't the right attitude to approach the Blessing, so I packed my bags and went back to Burnley.

Nothing was now the same. After a few days I went back to Suffolk to stay with my mother. I wished Brian well at the bakery and feeling totally dejected and miserable went back to what was then known as "the Satanic World".

A short while later Brian joined me and we were married a few months later. We both found work and we moved to a flat in a large Georgian house in Ipswich.

It was very difficult. The only way I could survive was to put everything behind me and live a "normal life". It wasn't until a few years later when our 2 boys were at primary school and we had moved to Leicestershire, that I decided to contact the Church. We had a fish and chip shop and the nearest center was Birmingham, quite some way away and as neither of us could drive, it was very difficult to get to. When I told Brian I wanted to contact the Church again he went ballistic. His reaction was "You'll get embroiled again and be drawn back in, what will happen to us as a family? We'll get split up and all that heartache will happen again". He was so negative about all the Church stood for, that he wanted nothing more to do with it. From what I understood things had changed and members didn't live in communal centers any more but had their own homes and families.

Much against Brian's wishes I rang the Birmingham center and arranged to go to Sunday service.

Robert, my eldest son, came with me by train to Birmingham. The whole journey was one of anguish and apprehension. I was mortified when David Earle called me out and asked me to come forward to introduce myself. I could only speak briefly as I didn't know anybody there or what they knew or represented.

I began to study The Divine Principle again and prayed earnestly to Heavenly Father to forgive me. Forgiveness was one thing but how could I help and make restitution . I was living with a man hostile to True Father and the Church and children who had no idea who Sun Myung Moon was.

We were both very busy. The chip shop was open long hours and the children were still young. We struggled with the bills and had no money. One thing the Family had taught me was how to cook. I especially liked baking. In the chip shop was a large display fridge we never used. I had the inspiration to fill it with cakes and sell them, maybe Fridays and Saturdays when the shop was busiest. I could donate the money to the Church and at least help financially. It seemed so apt as I had left the Church bakery years before now at least I could make restitution to put things right. Now it would be a more difficult indemnity condition as I would have to make everything from scratch and sell it. I was determined to do this as a 3 year offering condition.

After closing at lunch time I would bake cakes and pastries until the children came out of school and we set the shop up for the evening trade. To make sales easier I donated the money to IRFF, and customers could identify with its aims as I put articles on its work around the chip shop walls.

I completed this condition and in fact won a "Citizen of the Year Award" presented by the local press and the Lady Mayor. I had been nominated by one of our customers.

The chip continued to struggle and after 11 years we desperately wanted out. I could only go to Birmingham very occasionally as it was very difficult to get to and it didn't please Brian when I went. Then the opportunity for Blessing arose and this put my mind in great confusion. Brian would never agree to being blessed even though it was now so easy. I had 3 spiritual children and had worked more than 5 years witnessing and fund raising. I felt our time had come but Brian wanted nothing to do with it. I told him it was what I wanted and that I could take a photo of him and we could have our marriage blessed in his absence. He came round reluctantly and with his photo we were part of the 360,000 couple Blessing. It was a deeply moving ceremony and I returned happier than I had done for a very long time.

I continued to pray desperately for our situation as life was hard for all of us. Trade got no better, it just seemed one long struggle. Then one of my uncles died, he lived alone and my brother, sister and I were next of kin. Eventually his house was sold and the money divided between the three of us. At last we could pay our debts and have a few thousand left over. A local rival takeaway bought what was left of our lease and we moved to a house further out of town. We both found jobs and settled to a more normal life.

The property market was on the rise and quickly the house doubled in value. Brian's originated from Aberdeen and I had always had a fondness for Scotland. Looking on the internet I found property in Scotland was stagnating and housing there was less than half the price of that in Leicestershire. If we sold up and paid the outstanding mortgage we could buy a property outright and move north.

We went to Fraserburgh, on the NE coast of Aberdeenshire. Robert set up his computer business in the town and Tim, my youngest stayed in the Midlands.

Fraserburgh is a small town, built on the fishing industry and being fairly isolated has a good community spirit. I wanted to get involved with that community. In 2004 a unique opportunity presented itself. The town was looking for help to set up an internet cafe. With Robert's expertise and me with time to spare, this seemed an ideal way to give something to the town and get involved. I found the ideal empty shop and approached a local action group, but they had their own plans and didn't want to back me in getting the project off the ground, so I thought, "what the hell, I'll do it myself -- with help from Heavenly Father if it is meant to be, it will happen".

In 2004 I opened the 'The Mousehole Internet Cafe' with 6 terminals and a £3000 overdraft. It didn't take long to build it up to a viable concern and was a good way of meeting all sections of the local community.

Eighteen months later as everything had become routine, I had a dream. I was publishing a magazine! It was covering local issues but also giving True Father's words. The more I thought about this idea the more elated I became. It would be fun to do. The local people are proud of their heritage, a magazine promoting the town should go down well. They could get spiritual inspiration and get to know the name Sun Myung Moon and his message.

Brian threw his hands up in despair -- but like the brilliant man he is, supported the idea for my sake. I needed his photo-editing skills, I could do the research but not the art work or publishing.

The first issue came out at Christmas. It was printed professionally and cost a fortune but it was well received. The issue covered local history, events, cookery, poetry and an extract from the introduction to Divine Principle.

Eventually we rented our own printer and with a lot of heavenly help produced 26 monthly issues, getting it in Tescos, the Co-Op and 20 other venues. It was hard work having monthly deadlines and I couldn't do it without help from my family, who despite their full time jobs gave up their spare time to edit, publish and distribute.

In 2008, everything changed. The community group went ahead and opened their own internet cafe. Despite all my opposition and local community support we couldn't change that and I had to come to the conclusion that it was meant to go ahead. I was getting tired and stressed, and now was the time to close 'The Mousehole'. I had a buyer for it.

Then I found the lump! With Brian by my side I had a morning of examinations and tests at Aberdeen Infirmary and it was confirmed I had breast cancer and it had spread via the lymphatic system to the liver, lungs and pelvis. It was incurable, they left me in no doubt of that. With treatment it could be held back for a while but would eventually overwhelm me. I had to put my physical body in their hands. What was more difficult to get to grips with was the emotional and spiritual implications. Why hadn't the spirit world warned me sooner that the lump was growing inside me? It could have been treated earlier and maybe I could have recovered. Was I prepared to go to the spirit world? I was now having to face it as a reality. What would this mean to my family? How would Robert cope without me?

Sometimes it is harder for the family. They have so many questions and fears. They don't know how they will cope watching my decline.

It is now more than 18 months since diagnosis and with intensive chemo and radiotherapy I'm not sure any more what symptoms are the disease or the treatment. I haven't sailed through it all -- some days have been dark and the effort to be positive drifts away.

There are several good aspects, the main one being that I have time to read and study. This is the first time in my life (I'm ashamed to say) I have read 'Exposition of the Divine Principle' through. In the early mornings I study and it has truly been inspiring. I never realized the importance of the history and re-creation of man and the great mind of True Father. The indemnity [price] he must have paid to reveal all this! It really puts everything in perspective. It is very deep and a clear mind is necessary to get to grips with it. I urge everyone to make the effort.

I feel privileged to know so much about Heavenly Father, and the spirit world. In some ways I am eager to get there. What I will have to go through before that makes me apprehensive, especially leaving a family behind -- is that selfish?

When I was born (9-9-1948), my parents couldn't agree on a name for me, as the time came to register the birth my father went to the local office. On the way the name Brenda Ann Ruffell came to mind. It wasn't a name either had considered. When asked by the registrar what to call me, he gave that name. The registrar turned to my father and told him that the name had already been entered. My father replied "it couldn't be" as he had only just thought of it. Sure enough it was there, entered already but with a different address -- it must have been a different child. Ruffell is an uncommon name, even in Suffolk and my father was curious. Later he looked up this child who was only distantly related. A few months later we both got gastroenteritis and the other little child died. Maybe I will meet her soon, maybe she paid indemnity. We never know how the spirit works.