Being Who God Wants Me To Be

Kiyomi Kobayashi
September, 1998

They always made it seem like STF [Special Task Force] was all work, effort, and investment for God and True Parents. That didn't exactly turn me on about going. It did seem a bit too unrealistic for something I would do, especially since I'd pretty much been someone just plainly confused about life, and even a bit resentful around that time. Actually, I think I was also just scared. But honestly, the only thing I've done in STF is grow, and gain more than I could ever imagine I was capable of receiving.

It wasn't my parents' encouraging me, my sister's praying for me, or Yoon Sun obba's constant nagging that changed my mind about going. I know it couldn't have been, being the rebellious girl that I was. Well, I am. Actually the very fact that I came to STF is one of the reasons I eventually realized that God exists and that He wants to guide me to the right direction. I believe that God captured me, in a way, through my conscience. Because even though I'm a very reactive person, especially when I get upset, I always end up following my intuition, and somehow I get the feeling that God's behind all that.

I felt a little discouraged that I would probably have to let go of my old self, but I needed to find my true desire in life. I felt I would be entering a new world of strange CARP people and a controlled lifestyle, and so I was in tears the whole plane ride to LA.

However, everyone was so embracing the second I walked through the door. George was just great. He was so understanding and down to earth. And if my sister weren't there, I really would have died.

I guess what broke down my concepts and barriers was God, and only God. I didn't even believe He existed before. But through fundraising His existence was proven to me.

I never knew how beautiful people could be just by their hearts, just by how they had God in their lives. When I met Hun face to face on the front line, all I could do was cry. I couldn't believe how fulfilling and liberating it was to know that He had been with me my entire life.

He had protected me from messing up and I couldn't feel grateful enough. I had never felt so completely happy when I could feel Him, and I never imagined that I would crave His love so much once I had tasted it. I'd always been near True Parents my whole life. But I felt the closest to them at this point in my life, after experiencing a fraction of what they went through. I finally understood. And because of the foundation my physical parents laid, I know I owe them so much.

I chose to stay longer bemuse I received so much in my first year. I also wanted to try tackling my fallen natures and all those limitations inside me that have been preventing me from being who God wants me to be-reaching my fullest potential. Of course, it's easier said than done. The second year was like an endless battle most of the time. I determined to get rid of my fallen natures, and I found them just pouring out of me. I realized so many of my limitations. But at the same time I realized my potential.

I feel that I've received a lot of preparation for my future from my time here. It really brings me hope that I'm slowly coming out of the shell I built around me during my childhood. I know that if we have enough desires, we're capable of doing great things. That's something I strongly realized, and it helps me to know that God is always up there-willing to help if I just ask; if I just make the effort to connect to Him. And the rest is up to me.