I have mixed feelings about my Chung Pyung experience. I went with a great deal of hope and expectation. I pushed my body to the limits because my heart felt so blocked once I arrived so I did the only thing I knew to do in such an internal situation (MFT training). The very positive thing I felt was Daemonim's unconditional love. She always smiled at me like she appreciated my effort and understood. I never felt judged -- only loved by her.

However, there was such a heavy spirit world there, it was oppressive. Since I was part of the first Western group to be there, this could possibly be the reason. I felt this heavy Korean Spirit World resented my presence -- that I was some kind of intruder. I chalked this up to their history of isolationism. I did not take this personally, but rather hoping I was adding something to breaking down walls that divide us. Nevertheless, it was painful. Many of us were acutely aware of how our every action was being watched and easily judged. I found it almost impossible to pray there and very much the unwelcome outsider. Also, there was "in the air" a sort of intimidation by guilt and fear. Yet, when Daemonim said anything along this vein, it conveyed a heart of desperate concern and love for members. However, when her words were repeated by others, this heart was not conveyed.

Also, there was a great deal of difficulty in uniting our western group. It was being led by some militaristic Europeans which created a very judgmental, fundamentalist atmosphere. It felt to me like I had gone back in time to some kind of campaign. Even the Koreans and Japanese had a more relaxed attitude -- if you could imagine! It seemed so unenlightened by experience. It was quite a disappointment to me. Yet, in the end a sort of acceptance of one another emerged, and I became close to some newly acquainted sisters. But a part of me felt like a great deal of time had been wasted.

When I arrived home, I had physically pushed myself to such a point of exhaustion, I slept for three days. But, I do believe I paid indemnity for something -- for what only God knows. Since I have not experienced any personal change in my life, I take a wait-and-see attitude. Philosophically, I speculate that I could have possibly averted an ordained tragedy in my future. I will say I was very inspired and motivated to pre-bless my 185 couples and had many profound "God" experiences while working -- some of the deepest I ever experienced in the church. Maybe, this was the whole point of Chung Pyung -- motivating members for the Blessing goal. Father does not seem to be emphasizing Chung Pyung now as he did before the Blessings. Now it's South America. When the pre-blessings degenerated into a numbers game I lost momentum and motivation. Yet, because of my earlier pre-blessing experiences I still make effort to pre-bless loved ones and friends.

I do not regret that I went to Chung Pyung, but I have a difficult time recommending it for everyone. Interestingly, these are the same ambiguous feelings I have about our movement. What I accomplished in Chung Pyung, I imagine I will understand when I get to SW. For now, I do not feel any closer to God or my husband than before my Chung Pyung experience. That to me would be a real breakthrough.

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