My Life with True Mother -- Interview of Miho Panzer

Angelika Selle
September 1989

True Mother, Miho, and her son Rimida, by the new conference center.

Question: When and how did you come into the position of serving True Parents?

It was in 1978. I came to this country after the Washington Monument rally in 1976. I was a dancer in the Korean Folk Ballet but then I worked for 10 months at Belvedere before coming to East Garden in 1978. I was so happy. For the first five months I did the laundry for True Parents; then I started serving True Parents directly. I was the youngest sister to serve True Parents, so I made extra effort.

Question: How did you know what to do when you served True Parents?

We had to pray hard to find out what they needed. I always asked Heavenly Father, "What shall I do?" I wanted to be Heavenly Father's hands and feet.

Of course, Heavenly Father wants to take care of the True Parents well, so I just asked Him to work through me. I was always praying for my hands to be His hands, my legs, His legs.

That's why I feel that our prayer life is most important in each moment. I didn't have time to sit in front of True Parents' picture and meditate, so even while cleaning I was praying.

For five months I did the laundry, then I cleaned the rooms, preparing many things during the holidays. I wanted to be like air. We need air -- otherwise we cannot breathe, but we can't see air. I was with them and around them, so I wanted to be invisible but needed -- to prepare something before they asked for it.

Mother with Shin Jeung Jin Nim and Jeung Jin Nim

Question: What is Mother's daily schedule? What does she do during the day?

True Mother is always busy. Of course her main position is to attend Father and as well to educate the True Children. As you know, Father is always traveling places or having meetings and Mother goes with him, so she has to be constantly ready, sometimes at a moment's notice. Even now Mother has no time to take care of their own children. She is basically in the same position as Father, with more and more responsibilities and no time for herself at all. For example, they get up very early and pray and then Father is meeting with church leaders and elders until late at night.

Question: How does she discipline the True Children? Does she scold them sometimes?

True Parents teach their children the heavenly tradition. For example, they do the kyung-bae (full bow) at five o'clock pledge, and if they are even a few minutes late, Father doesn't like it. He asks: "Why didn't you prepare the night before?" How important that ceremony is! One time one of the small children didn't do the kyung-bae and Father spanked the child. The child was young, under three years old. After the age of three True Parents don't spank anymore. Rather they teach and explain to the children very nicely and never get angry at them.

True Parents have almost no time to spend with their children. Father always eats with members and leaders, even at breakfast, and I felt so sad because the family is always separated. And now that Father is constantly going to Korea they spend even less time together. But the True Children are always so uncomplaining. They understand about Father and Mother's schedule and though they miss Parents more than we do, they don't show it so much. We should think of how lucky we are to be with our children and value True Family's sacrifice more.

Question: How does True Mother support True Father? Can you give some small examples?

Externally it's easy to see how she is preparing many things, like something to drink or eat. But internally, Mother always knows what Father wants. Mother has to be wide, deep, and aware, like a holy spirit. Sometimes Father asks Mother her opinion and Mother always gives him a wise answer.

Support means also that when Father wants to go somewhere then Mother always follows Father one hundred percent, no matter how difficult it is for her! One time Father said in public that even though Mother's body is tired, he still rushes her. That would be so difficult for us.

Mother is usually so occupied with public life that she can't even take care of her own things nor can she exchange her winter and summer clothes; she doesn't even know what is in her drawers. That's what I was doing most of the time. Many guests come and in her position as a True Mother she always wants to take care of them, even if she is more than eight months pregnant. One time she was due to deliver and still she took guests out shopping. Mother cannot take care of her own children, but she takes care of us, the members -- that's her heart.

Question: Do you think that True Mother knows what is going on in our movement?

Yes, I think she knows very well. She often gives Father her opinion on some matter. Mother is spiritually so sharp and clear that she can give very good advice to him. Father needs her input and he always appreciates her comments. Father and Mother's relationship is truly one of give and take in total harmony and oneness. Of course Father is subject, but many times their positions are reversed and he is the object. We never saw Mother and Father fight with each other and Father said also that they never argue in front of the True Children.

Question: How does True Mother sleep so little and keep u, her health and beauty? Does she eat a certain diet and do exercises for her health?

In my opinion this is a miracle. Mother has 14 children and everybody both in and outside of our movement is surprised that she still looks so young and fresh. I was with Mother while she had her last four children and she was always very healthy and alert. Mother does know many things about healthy food and she takes care of her health, but I feel that the Holy Spirit is with her because Mother has to keep up with Father's schedule. Of course, their sleeping time is so short because they are always traveling.

Sometimes Mother goes out in the early morning fresh air, but that doesn't happen too often because from early morning on they receive leaders and members and she has to be there. They are always living a public life each moment. Even when Mother is lying down she is always thinking about Father's situation, all the members and the whole world. And when Father sleeps he still prays; his mouth is moving like in prayer.

Question: Did you have any personal experience with Mother? Did she speak to you sometimes, giving you advice, guidance, and insights?

My position was not to talk to Mother and ask many things. One time Father said to our members at East Garden that he can't speak to us much because his time is spent always talking to leaders and other members. Instead, he said, we should look at True Parents' lifestyle.

With Mother it was the same way. I had questions but I felt that Father and Mother were too tired from carrying so much on their shoulders. Already they asked me continuously about my health and well-being and showed their deep concern about even small things. But since Father had told us to watch their lifestyle I didn't want to ask them anything. I learned from watching that every moment they were living for us.

Every morning we did pledge with True Parents but I never felt that it was just me doing the kyung-bae. Our members are working so hard all over the world that I always wanted to offer myself as a representative for them. I felt good in my heart because I was always thinking of the members, fighting any kind of selfish mind.

Question: How does True Mother take care of the environment even though she doesn't have much time?

Mother likes everything to be clean. Once in Japan one evening, Father didn't have a schedule to go anyplace. Three old ladies had been preparing for Father and though they had externally very little, they cleaned diligently, regarding even one piece of dust as Satan. Every night they prayed for Father to come to their center. Then out of the blue Father decided to go to that very center. Even though they didn't have anything, Father came to them.

When I heard that testimony, that even one piece of dust made them feel uncomfortable, I understood that the environment around Parents always needs to be clean. Father and Mother didn't say anything to us, but from then on I cleaned up especially thoroughly. Parents are so sensitive to everything. Folding and hanging their clothes has to be perfect.

Question: How does Mother prepare for the birth of a child?

She is always active until the last minute. Just think about when the latest one, Jeung Jin Nim, was born.

Only 21 days after the cesarean Mother conducted our Blessing ceremony [July 1, 1982] for five hours and stood giving us the Holy Water.

Normally, our sisters have a 100-day recovery period after the birth, but Mother didn't even have 40 days, she had to attend Father. She is always like this, working until she has to go to the hospital, never resting. When Father is pushing, it means that Mother is pushing also. Father's legs are always sore and his body so overtired that when he indents it at any place, the indentation stays there for a considerable time. But he never shows us how tired he really is. Even the young people are tired when they come back from Korea, but Father just keeps going.

Question: Can you share about Mother's desire for us western sisters?

During the last Sunday service at Belvedere Father spoke about western sisters and Oriental sisters. He said that the western sister is too self-centered, and suggested: "Why don't you give first and lead a more giving life, and then you can receive?" This is true not only for western sisters, but all of our lifestyles must be always first giving and then receiving.

I personally can also see a little bit of difference between eastern and western sisters; western sisters are always open, even 100% open, but the Oriental sisters usually want to keep everything inside. Even though they would like to talk, they keep things in their mind and wait. I don't know what True Mother thinks about this point.

Question: How can we come closer to True Mother and develop a deep relationship with her?

The external relationship is not so important, I think. There is a natural limit anyway. But I feel that internally and spiritually the relationship with Father and Mother is most important. True Parents know our life each moment, even though we may not see them at all. Once they close their eyes, they can feel everything spiritually. We can always be spiritually guided to do the right things even though they are not physically with us. Father said that he can even be with us in our dreams.

A person can be physically close to them, but actually very far away spiritually. If we have a strong spiritual life and feel close to them, then they are always with us. Often, the further people are away from them physically, like pioneer brothers and sisters, the closer they feel to them.

That's why I always felt a danger in my mission being physically so close to them, that I might get far away internally. I always made special effort to keep up my spiritual life. We should always think how we can become closer spiritually each moment. Now I stay in New Jersey, but I feel that Parents are always here with me.

Many times I saw pictures of True Parents that were dusty, but they should always be shiny to attract their presence. Our lifestyle should always be striving to be more like our True Parents. We have to develop that parental heart and standard. If we don't keep True Parents' picture clean, it indicates something about our heart relationship with True Parents.

When I joined the church I went to a seven-day workshop. But already before the workshop I had a dream about True Parents. I didn't know who they were, but I found out afterwards. Since then I had many experiences with True Parents in my dreams. Many times leaders asked me about what True Parents were doing and I would share with them my intuition. Afterwards we would find out that I was right.

I missed True Parents so much that I often cried. Even when I was dancing in the Korean Folk Ballet and on IOWC, I was always thinking about them. When I was doing laundry for some other central figure, for example, I would think that these are True Parents' clothes and even count the scrubs-40 times, 72, 120 -- hoping Heavenly Father could use this condition of serving. That's why I felt that Heavenly Father called me to East Garden.

One time with the Folk Ballet I had a spiritual experience with Mother. I had a painful back problem. Somehow Mother knew that and one night, God's Day Eve, she came to me spiritually and touched my back. The next morning I felt so warm there, with no pain, as if the Holy Spirit had touched me. That night, when True Parents came down on stage after our performance, Mother came over and shook my hand. I felt she knew that I had had a spiritual experience with her. Mother is so sensitive.

While on IOWC one time, I knew Father was leaving from the airport. I wanted to be with Father so much that I went to the airport by myself just to see Father's flight leave. I feel that the heartistic relationship is the most important. Whenever I pray about them, I always cry. Even if you had a chance to be with True Parents for one year or even a day or a few hours, that kind of heartistic relationship that you feel at those times will remain with you forever. Time is nothing. So I say sometimes to our sisters when they go out on the front line to please always have some gratitude in their hearts and remember those precious moments that they had with True Parents. Then we can never have complaint at all. If you have a complaining mind then Satan breaks you.

Question: True Mother has very good taste in clothes. In fact, Father once said that she would be the number one fashion designer for the new world.

I feel so amazed when I see her consistently fresh and beautiful. Mother is always humble, but she has excellent taste, and is very meticulous. When she decorated the East Garden House and now also the new house, everything had to be perfect. When Mother goes shopping I many times feel that all things want to be with Mother, and long for her true touch. She has very sharp eyes as to what fits the person best. Usually there is not much time when she goes shopping, but it always seems like the right things for the person are catching her eye.

Question: Can you tell us about the time period when Father was in Danbury prison?

When Father went to Danbury I decided not to start my married life until he came back, because I thought how lonely Mother would be. Many brothers and sisters started their family at that time, and True Parents asked me about my age and my situation, but I didn't let them know. I decided that I didn't want to have any desire for myself; my life exists only for Father and Mother. I wanted to focus one hundred percent on assisting and serving Mother.

We knew that Father's situation was so dangerous. At that time we prayed every night with Hyo Jin Nim and the True Children and repented a lot.

When Father was visiting at home I would do his laundry. I saw that the undershirts and underwear were so old and so dirty. I was always crying about Father's clothes. Many times I also saw that Father's hands had a lot of callouses from the cleaning and dishwashing that he did at prison. But Father never showed us how difficult it was for him; he always smiled and cheered us up. I can never forget about that time when he was in Danbury and at the half-way house.

Question: Would you like to share anything else about Father's lifestyle?

If we think of their suffering lifestyle, we cannot meet our True Parents without tears. Even when they are smiling at celebrations and everything looks so happy, they can never feel truly happy until the final victory is won. That's why Father talks and prays in his sleep. Even at conferences when everybody else is exhausted, Father can go on until one o'clock in the morning. Then he goes upstairs to study and read reports for another one or two hours. He wakes up early in the morning before anybody else, which actually means that Father is only sleeping two or three hours a day. Of course Father is very, very tired because he is a human being just like us. Many times when Father is playing pool it looks like he is relaxing, but I always felt that Father is not really playing pool. For him that pool table is like the world map or like the cosmos and Father is concentrating and fighting spiritually each moment. Many times I wanted to bring him a chair, but he would not accept it. His legs are so sore but he decided a long time ago that he would never relax until he literally goes to the spirit world, and he is doing it. That means we should have the same kind of attitude.

Question: We've heard about the importance of learning Korean. Can you give any insights from your time with True Parents?

One time Father and Mother were watching the mini-series Shogun on television. At some point the Westerner who was becoming a Samurai was faced with the choice to either learn Japanese in forty days or have his companions executed. So he decided to learn Japanese. Mother asked Father: "What about our members? When can they learn the Korean language?"

Then I thought, Father has reminded us so many times to study Korean, but we didn't really decide to do so yet! I was speaking in Japanese to them, but I felt I shouldn't do that anymore. I didn't have time to study so I just tried to pick up Korean by listening. The grammar is very similar to the Japanese language but everything else is different. From then on I spoke to them in broken Korean.

Question: For many sisters it is sometimes hard to view True Mother as our role model because she seems more in the background supporting Father. What is your view on this?

I personally think that True Mother is on the foremost front line and fighting more than any of us. Of course, externally she doesn't go fundraising or witnessing, but as I mentioned before she is working day and night together with Father on the internal front line. Yes, we don't see her very often and she only seems to support Father; therefore it's so difficult to find out. But if we develop our spiritual antenna more, we can easily feel what she really is doing, how she is fighting, how hard she is working day and night and that she is actually on the foremost front line. We might be able to see her in dreams that reveal to us her true heart that literally beats for the world. Her position is the most difficult of all, more difficult than any of us can imagine. So if we develop our spiritual antenna more, then I am sure we will also be able to find out how we can follow her as our role model.