I note with grave displeasure that your patient has made contact with the dreaded followers of Moon. Tut, tut! That will never do! Even the dimmest student of Temptation cannot fail to learn that, above all, patients must be kept away from anything to do with Unificationism and Divine Principle! Do you not know that these despicable creatures are by far the greatest enemies of our father down below...much worse than even the ardent Christian, for through their "revelation"-as they call it-of Divine Principle, they more than anybody else have the chance to know our communal enemy, and worse still...they are on to our father.

Fortunately, all is not yet lost. I presume that you have already alerted your patient's attention to the media, where as you know we have many allies. I see that your patient is a real family man, and that his Moonie spiritual parent commented that this was a good thing. So it is-not for them, but for us. Make absolutely sure, before they managed to get him on one of those dreaded two-day workshops, that his attention is drawn to the usual horror stories. You complain that there are no current ones. That is no excuse for idleness. Even if he has not heard them before, most folk have. Get into one of his family or, better still, a close friend, one whose opinion the patient has always valued, and get them to spill the beans-and don't forget to promote a very concerned look.

If that fails, don't despair! Your next port of call is the members themselves. Personally I don't favor old Slubgob's rather barbaric method of striking the spiritual parent down with flu or some other nasty ailment. You can try simple little ploys at first, such as the filling the SP's mind with other things which are even more important than the patient. Impress upon his mind that he is not spending enough time with his family. This witnessing is all very well...but if one doesn't have a secure base, how can one give out to others?

I note also that the SP has a dicey relationship with his Central Figure. Above all, that can work to our advantage, if handled correctly. The SP-you say-is older than the Central Figure who is not even a citizen! Splendid! Bring the age-old racial ploys into play, but remember to suggest them rather than make them too clear. If the SP, by any lucky chance, forgets to pray before the Sunday service (which will render him relatively protectionless by the Enemy), you can fairly easily get him to be bored by the CF's sermon. The boredom will cause him to be critical of the CF. Get him to think that the CF's command of the English language is abominable and, as such, is losing them members. Above all, whatever else happens, don't allow them to get together and talk about the patient. Communication, under the Enemy's roof, is the worst thing that can happen at this point.

I hope that you have paid good attention to this letter. In your next letter, I trust that you will have made the necessary progress.

Yours affectionately, Your Uncle Screwtape.

As submitted by Raymond Reynolds to Village, July 1994. Reprinted with permission.

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