After two weeks of circling around a 4 block section of Hollywood Blvd. in search of some Principle hungry young people, our team finally found a guest to attend the 2 day work shop in Chino Hills. As he climbed into the car that was to take him to Chino, our central figure, Taisuke said, "Bow, you go too." This guest, named Joshua, wasn't my spiritual child and honestly I felt totally unqualified to be the one to nurture his spirit. I still had so many questions myself about the Church. However, at the same time, I knew this guy needed some direction and that if we could give him that then that would be the most valuable thing, priceless.

I quickly realized how intense it can he trying to raise up a spiritual newborn. I was concerned for how he would respond to every aspect of this new environment and that caused me to see everything we did from his perspective. The way that we pray, the language that we use with each other, the lyrics of the songs we sing ( I remember Joshua started chuckling when we sang, "I want to live above the world, though Satan's doubts at me are hurled"), I was seeing it all from his perspective.

What impacted me the most was hearing the Principle in this kind of mind state. I blew my mind to discover how much sense it made. I must have heard the Principles of Creation at least 30 times, but when I was sitting there with Joshua right next to me, I could have sworn I was hearing this for the first time and it was AWESOME. My guest had the same reaction to the Principle. Instead of me trying to guide him through the lectures, I found that during our discussion he would be witnessing to me and convincing me how beautiful the whole teaching is. He was more fired up about it than I was. Personally, I was inspired by everything, but I still felt all the doubts I've had about the church blocking myself from fully sharing in his enthusiasm.

When we were nearing the "Second Coming" lecture, I found myself feeling knots in my stomach, concerned for how he would handle it when he heard that the messiah is on the earth. You couldn't ask for a more positive reaction. I remember his exact words were, "I had no idea. This is what you call being enlightened!" I too felt a moment of clarity hearing about Father's life and how it all fit together with history. I swear, we were like spiritual Siamese twins. The only difference between us was that I knew what this was all going to lead to -- the church and everything about it. I found myself seeing the very thing that I had been so familiar with my whole life, the very thing that had shaped my whole life, in an entirely new light. I felt like I was finally laying down a fundamental basis to believe in this Unification culture. The staff at Chino Hills are really an awesome crew. They create such a smooth family-style atmosphere that makes growth really simple. However, as soon as I was back in LA, WAPOOSH, reality was a slap in the face. Everything that had seemed so clear and real at Chino Hills was suddenly clouded with doubts and questions that were quick to accumulate.

When I pray to God now, I pray that I will be strong. I realize I've got to put an end to this half in/half out garbage. It's not healthy to go on believing in the principle while still harboring so many doubts about whether it is real or not. If I learned anything from the DP lectures dealing with Noah, Moses, and Jesus' time, it was that throughout history it has been rare that anyone has been really committed to coming through for God. For once in history, God needs some brethren that can be strong, with a commitment that is solid. It is ridiculous to let ourselves be deceived by weak-minded doubts. Honestly, it is fear of giving up myself that keeps me from fully soaking myself in the providence, fear of being a fanatic. But I now realize that I'm building my own barriers. The things I can do with my life are unlimited and the more I create conflict the harder it will be for the Most High powers to be put into effect. I'm here on STF to go all out, it's like a battle and we got to be God's "soul-jas", any soldier that fights half-heartedly will lose so there is no reason to shoot myself in the foot with petty questions. I'm tired of being lukewarm about this movement, and I'm sure God is too. God needs us to be strong, to be REAL with Him, You got to do this from your heart and your inner soul and if it's REAL only then will you be on a roll.

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