Dear Debby -- Ready for Marriage?

Debby Gullery
February 2011
Blessed Family Department of HSA-UWC

Sun Myung Moon and Hyung Jin Moon, June 5, 2011

Dear Debby,

A lot of my peers seem to be either engaged or married, but whenever I think about it, I feel a little nervous about the whole thing. Both my parents and my friends say that they think I'm ready, but I don't know what that actually means. How does a person really know when they are ready for marriage and all that that it entails?

Sincerely,

Just Not Sure

Dear Just Not Sure,

A lot of young people wonder about this, and our culture is full of misleading ideas about true love and marriage, so it can be hard to know if you're "ready". Here are some guidelines that might be helpful.

The most important aspect of "readiness" is internal, so some serious self-reflection is required. There are four areas of your life that you should examine: your life of faith, your expectations about love and marriage, your emotional maturity and your capacity to love. Of course, you are still developing in some of these areas, but it's good to get a sense of where you are at now.

Take some time to look at your core beliefs -- what do you know to be true? How is your relationship with God? What nourishes you spiritually? What things do you do regularly to maintain and strengthen your faith?

Then examine your expectations about love and marriage. Are you looking for someone to give you love and acceptance? Or are you ready to support and love another person? Do you think marriage should be or will be easy? Are you expecting to fall in love? How will you know when you've met the right person? Will your feelings be your guide?

One common and dangerous misconception about marriage is that we often think that we (or they) will magically change once we're married. Unfortunately, this is not the case, so it's smart to take an honest look at our strengths and weaknesses. Knowing how to manage our feelings, especially our negative ones, is an important skill. Looking at our habits can also be insightful. How do we usually deal with boredom and loneliness? How about rejection and anger?

Do we expect something or someone to rescue us? And do we take care of ourselves well -- physically, emotionally and spiritually?

Look carefully at your most important relationships to see how healthy they are. How do you get along with your parents? Their insight into your character can be helpful in terms of your ultimate choice of a partner, and they will become your biggest supporters when you are married. Do you have close friendships with people whom you trust and who trust you?

It has been said that one of the best indicators of a "marriageable" person is whether or not they have the "habit of happiness". When things go wrong, do we usually blame others or do we look to see how we can improve them? Do we look for the good stuff or for the problems? What is our general perspective on life?

And how are we at putting our feelings into actions? Do we do what we say we will? Can we act in loving ways even when we don't feel like it? Remember, real love is all about deferred gratification and sacrifice. Real love is making the decision to love over and over again.

Spending the time asking our- selves these difficult questions is crucial because the answers will give us important information about ourselves -- about who we really are and not who we'd like to be.

And who we are is what matters the most is terms of "readiness" -- it is what we bring to the table.

I think the unsure feeling you are experiencing is probably a good thing. Your internal barometer is telling you that a little more personal growth might be good. So make some new determinations about your spiritual and emotional health and take your time. The more effort you make to be- come a marriageable person, the kind of person you'd like to marry, the easier it will be to know when you're ready to take on this scary but oh so wonderful step in your life journey.

Debby