The A-W-E Factor

Debby Gullery
October 2011
HSA-UWC Blessed Family Department

Dear Debby,

Slowly and subtly, I feel like the joy and intimacy in my marriage has faded. I'm not sure how or why. I still love my spouse, but the spark is gone. I find myself thinking angry and resentful thoughts towards them more and more often. I'm not really sure what to do to change the direction of our relationship, and I'm also not sure how my spouse is feeling about our marriage because we have stopped sharing honestly with each other. It feels like they don't care at all. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Lost that Lovin Feeling!

Dear Lost,

Sounds like you need to add the AWE back into your marriage and it can be done! We actually have the power to set the mood, tone and atmosphere in our marriages. It takes some self-control, intention and determination. We can alter the way we deal with stress and challenges and set the emotional and spiritual "thermostat" to a kinder, gentler atmosphere -- one that includes more Affection, Warmth and Encouragement Warmth and Encouragement -- and our marriages can become more AWE-some.

We may not feel like showering affection and honor on our spouses, and we may not be comfortable doing so because of our family or cultural background, but we can choose to bring affection back into our relationship. Nagging, shaming, rudeness, irritability and guilt are all withdrawals from our spouses' emotional bank account, whereas tenderness, honoring, empathy and kind gestures and words are ways to put major deposits in the account. It's a choice.

Resetting the thermostat from chilly to warm also takes a tremendous amount of discipline. Living without warmth in a marriage becomes a bad habit, and even if we can survive it for a while, eventually the cooler temperature begins to affect us. It's easier to be angry and harder to choose to bring warmth and positivity into a situation -- it's a choice.

Showing encouragement means being available to your spouse. Giving them your focus and attention provides them with safety and support. Make a study of your spouse to figure out the most effective ways to affirm and encourage them -- and then do those things often! Again, it's a choice.

Warning! This is not easy! We are all struggling and juggling to prioritize and balance all that we need and want to do. If we truly want to build a more intimate marriage, it takes training and commitment to improve things. There is a difference between trying to make your marriage better and training to make your marriage better. For instance, we can't just try to finish a marathon; we need to train to be able to finish. We might need to buy new sneakers, make a schedule for running every day and then stick to it, for several months. Intimacy and health in a marriage requires a plan as does training ourselves to act and think differently. Good things don't just happen! Proper training, hard work and sometimes a little help, is required to accomplish the goal.

Contentment is not the result of the absence of problems -- we all have problems! Contentment is determined by the set of our hearts! Creating intimacy in a marriage doesn't happen overnight but only when we intentionally focus on creating an atmosphere of AWE, using practical goals to infuse more affection, warmth and encouragement into our relation- ships daily!

Good luck and God bless!

God bless,
Debby