The Words of the Gullery Family
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The Words of the Gullery Family |
Dear Debby,
My spouse and I have been married for about 6 months now and things are going really well with the exception of one area. I've always liked his parents but since we've gotten married, they seem to call my husband more than ever and have opinions about everything we do!
This is causing a lot of stress between us and it's hard to make decisions about stuff because we seem to need to consult his parents as well! I can't even be in the same room with them these days without getting upset. I don't quite know what to do here. We need help!
Sincerely,
Struggling With In-Laws!
Dear Struggling With In-Laws,
Welcome to the world of married life! Learning how to deal with in-laws is one of the first challenges young couples have to face -- and it requires honest communication between spouses and some serious decision-making together. It's often hard to plan this out before you get married because you don't really know what to expect.
Sometimes the nicest people -- your spouses' parents turn into crazy people when their young adult child gets married -- and they often forget to let go.
In their defense, in can be hard for parents to step back in healthy ways and allow the new couple a chance to breathe and make their own decisions. But you can all learn together and here are some simple guidelines to consider in the process:
When you get married, your primary loyalty needs to be with your spouse!
You will need to set boundaries about when your in-laws are and are not invited into your lives. This is hard to do.
As your life together as a couple grows, you may need to change the boundaries. This is normal and natural. Just reassure them that you are not closing them out of your lives completely, you are simply focusing on yourselves for a time.
Once you've discussed and agreed upon your boundaries, talk to your parents about them. They'll deal with it.
The other woman in every man's life is his mother. If your husband starts in with: "Well my mother does it this way..." then tell him to go over and sleep with her.
If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it's the husband who needs to step in and help fix it. Similarly, if a husband doesn't agree with his in-laws on an issue, his wife needs to step in. The person, with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the one who addresses the problem.
You will have to negotiate with your spouse about the role that you want your in-laws to have in your lives. Don't assume that you're on the same page until you talk about it.
Try not to criticize your spouse for his/her relationship with his/her parents. Just focus on strengthening your marriage relationship. That will make all the difference.
When you are experiencing a problem in your marriage, you need to deal with it in the marriage. Be careful how much you share with your parents in times of stress and remember that your parents only know what you tell them. If you go to them every time you're having problems, they hear that, but they don't hear when you make up, and it is really hard for them to hear you with neutral minds. They love you more so they support you more, even when you are in the wrong. It can get messy. Again, be careful.
For the record, let me repeat the first point -- it's really the most important: When you get married, your primary loyalty needs to be with your spouse! Keep this in mind, and things can straighten out. (Make sure your spouse reads this, though!).
Good luck and God bless!
Debby