I had some kind of high pedestal ideal about Blessed couples and Blessed children. Knowing I came from such a problem background and I lacked the physical stamina to endure on National MFT, I felt my life was a total failure in the church.

Because of these emotions, I didn't feel qualified to be Blessed or to be a parent. So, I focused on working with children and their parents and educated myself in this area. I was quite famous for being so good with children.

Then when my husband and I were Blessed, we wanted children. But we couldn't have them. We saw one infertility doctor after another (which was very difficult for my Arabic husband's pride).

Then during the Tribal Messiah providence, when we returned to our home towns, (which I DID NOT want to do because it meant dealing with painful memories and because I had PURPOSEFULLY left my hometown all that many years ago), my cousin who couldn't have children gave me the phone number of a Christian doctor that her couple saw.

We both had to have surgeries. I had to take medicine for 6 months to shrink tumors, before surgery. We conceived. I had gestational diabetes and a serious thyroid problem. I spent the last 6 months of my pregnancy in bed. The placenta had pulled away from the uterine wall and I had to have labor induced. My doctor didn't show up for the delivery. Alisa was born blue and not moving. But somehow a Dr. was found in the hall way and he revived Alisa. A year after Alisa's birth I had to have the thyroid removed.

Two years after that I had to take radioactive iodine to kill the tiny bit of remaining thyroid tissue. The dosage was too high and I was very ill for months on end, plus I had no thyroid hormone in my body, which made me totally nonfunctional. So, after the first 3 years of being a good parent, I became what I knew was a bad parent and my worst fears were actualized.

But just as it took me time to realize I could be a Blessed wife and not be perfect, I could be a Blessed mother and not be perfect. My child still loved me; my husband still loved me; and certainly God still loved me.

As I have faced now practically all of my deep internal fears of being found out as a bad person, or a bad parent or a bad wife, and still find love, it is the most liberating feeling and there is so much gratitude for this grace. I would only have learned this experientially, not from books. I knew everything about a baby developing in the womb, but the experience of it was just miraculous, and I in my own small way was a part of something very grand.

So, as I mature in principle and in trying to live a life based upon it, I would encourage you to reconsider having children if it is at all possible, because the whole point of our earthly life is wrapped around developing parental love. Loving someone in your home 24 hours a day 7 days a week, year after year is what we are training for all eternity. Our earthly life is just the training ground. There is more than enough indemnity to pay in this family course, in case you are feeling like having your own family is too luxurious.

Instead of measuring ourselves against all the full time members of 20 years ago, or accepting being measured by our leaders, and then overwhelmed by our "failure" to keep up, and then rationalizing I must leave, because I am not as good, and I will never be as good; we all need to keep in mind that "I am just the beginning of my restored lineage." Successive generations will be better and better and infinitely more loving people. It is important for us to make the start for our lineage's sake.

Also remember a great number of leaders who so harshly judged us are, no longer follow True Parents. So we are doing just fine.

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